Showing posts with label thoughts from the madhouse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts from the madhouse. Show all posts
The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
.

Got to keep the loonies on the path.
The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
.

And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
.

The lunatic is in my head. The lunatic is in my head.
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane. You lock the door

.

And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
.

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
.

I can't think of anything to say except...
"I think it's marvelous!
HaHaHa!"

.

split screen camper vans

perhaps I should have added VW and you'd have all known what I was talking about. . .
.


I went on my best childhood holiday, with the Brown family from down the road, when I was twelve, in one. . . we toured North Eastern France

the Brown family comprised a father, a mother and three daughters, one my age one younger one older, but even with the roof up (as in the following image)
.


there wasn't enough room to sleep six (two sling beds each side of the main part of the van, in the roof space, a single across the front seats and a double at the back on the sofa), so we had to take it in turns to sleep in a little tent outside. . .

it was the most brilliant time; it was Mr Brown's birthday during the holiday and each of the Brown Girls had made him something which we devoured during the three weeks we were away: banana cake, fruit cake and some fudge. . .

Mrs Brown used to like taking us to see ancient French churches and hiring bicycles in small French country villages (or borrowing them, if there were none to hire) and making us cycle up steep hills in the midday sun to picnic at some peak with an incredible view. . .

she took us shoping in French markets and treated us to crepe, made in front of our eyes and covered in butter and sugar, or strawberry jam. . .

I could go on for hours, but I'm sleepy and groggy and think I might just tuck up with my memories and try and have a nice dream (had another nightmare last night) (it included eating watermelon covered in fragments of glass) (the new meds have a lot to answer for, but perhaps a nightmare is a small price to pay for a small degree of sanity?)

for years XCH and I discussed buying a VW camper van - he even joined the Splitty Club and we'd spend hours pouring over the magazine comparing the prices and conditions of the buses for sale while I dreampt of sewing seat covers and mathcing curtains, knitting rugs and making blankets and acquiring vintage kitchen paraphenalia for picnics on the beach. . .

pipe dreams, I believe, is the phrase

better than the nightmares I'm currently having tho, I guess

one for sorrow, two for joy

three for a girl, four for a boy


so what's five for? there are five magpies in the garden here, two pigeons and an assortment of blackbirds, robins other common or garden birds (but no geese) and a squirrel
.
the magpies gang up on the other wildlife and are quite a posse to be contended with. . . (if contention is your bag; it's not mine - I'm a peace-loving, easy-going, if-I-was-a-hippie-I'd-drive a Splittie-with-hand-knitted-cushions-and-home-made-curtains-softie at heart)

further adventures of a sad bunny

you don't really want to be reading this, I'm telling you, so please "switch off your *technology* and go and do something more interesting instead". . .

*insert word of your choice*

rather than the promised truth, I'll spare you the more gruesome details of my most recent 24 hours, but what I will tell you is that at one stage during the early morning I had a nightmare

I dreampt that a cup of (very decent, it has to be said, coffee) that XCH brought me when he popped in yesterday (without my POVSs) for all of a ten minute chat, had been spilt on the floor in my bedroom here in the hospital. . .

I was trying to mop it up, when it turned out instead to be water leaking in copius spurting quantities from the drain of the bathroom next door. . .

I was trying to mop that up, when that turned out to be water from a flume from one of those fancy swimming pools of which the youth of today (and some fully grown adults) are so fond. . .

I was washed down the flume, head under water, gasping for breath but swallowing gallons instead and choking on said gallons, clinging on to many and varied people who were rushing past me and apparently actually enjoying the experience on the way. . .

I recognised one of my old boyfriends amongst them - someone I haven't thought about for years, the guy who introduced me to the foul and disgusting habit of smoking, to which I am now addicted. . .

I was wearing my PJs, but everyone else was in very skimpy bikins or speedos. . .

I won't bore you with the rest, but needless to say I woke up in horrible sweat and very very distressed

despite that,
I wish you all a happy Sunday
and hope that your day is full of love,
people who love you,
some relaxation or an interesting persuit
and nothing too upsetting

the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the

truth (will follow shortly, I'm going to have some breakfast first and a sneaky fag, methinks - but in the meantime: Happy Saturday to you!) (yes. . .YOU!!)
Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark,
too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
.
.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore.
.

That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
.
Rescue me
Oh take me in your arms
Rescue me
I want your tender charms
'Coz I'm lonely and I'm blue
I need you and your love too
Come on and rescue me

Come on baby and rescue me
Come on baby and rescue me
'Coz I need you, by my side
Can't you see that I'm lonely?

Rescue me
Come on and take my heart
Take your love and conquer every part
'Coz I'm lonely and I'm blue
I need you and your love too
Come on and rescue me
Come on and rescue me
Come on baby, take me baby,
Hold me baby, love me baby
Can't you see that I need you baby
Can't you see that I'm lonely
Rescue me
Come on and take my hand
Come on baby and be my man
Cuz I love you, cuz I want you
Can't you see that I'm lonely?

Take me baby
Love me baby
Need me baby
Can't you see that I'm lonely?

Rescue me, rescue me.......
.
ARETHA or FONTELLA
the choice is yours

and here is the news. . .

the "good" news:

here is a box, a musical box, with it's various secrets inside and you lovely lot wonderin' what's in it 'n' all, has almost reached 10,000 page loads. . .

(well, that's not necessarily "good", but it's all relative, eh) (my other blogs total 44,000 - dave's birthday blog being extremely popular with google searches for all sorts of things to do with John Travolta and John Wesley)(even tho I got the wrong Wesley brother, as dave pointed out on the day)

ILTV has almost reached 5,000 profile views (I'm astounded!)

(similarly, not necessarily good, but you know how much I love statistics, small things pleasing small minds etc etc)

the wonderful mig shared some love with me!
.

do help yourself!

erm, *scratches head*, hmmmmmmmmm, think that's it on the good news front

ho hum


the "not so good" news:

I'm back in hospital again, having more ECT and they are not letting me out

(noone reads blogs on a Friday night, especially in mid-summer, so I can winge on pathetically without fear of upsetting the readership)
.

There's a reason for the sun shiny sky
.

And there's a reason why I'm feelin' so high
Must be the season
When that love light shines all around us
So let that feelin' grab you deep inside
And send you reelin' where your love can't hide
And then go stealin'
Through the summer nights with your lover
.
.
Just let your love flow like a mountain stream

.

And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show
And you'll know what I mean, it's the season
Let your love fly like a bird on the wing
.
.
And let your love bind you to all living things
.

And let your love shine
And you'll know what I mean, that's the reason
There's a reason for the warm sweet nights
.

And there's a reason for the candle lights
.
.
Must be the season
When those love rites shine all around us
So let the wonder take you into space
.

And lay you under its loving embrace
.

Just feel the thunder as it warms your face
.

You can't hold back
Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
.
.
And let your love grow
With the smallest of dreams and let your love show
And you'll know what I mean, it's the season
Let your love fly like a bird on the wing
.
.

And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine
And you'll know what I mean, that's the reason
Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
.
.
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show
And you'll know what I mean, it's the season
Let your love fly like a bird on the wing
.

And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine
And you'll know what I mean, that's the reason

.
THE BELLAMY BROS

for mel, craig, shot, katherine and all my wonderful buddies over the pond

.
and for everyone else. . .
.
.
and anyone able to resist humming "celebrate good times, cummon" and then play a snatch of air-guitar whilst schreeching "yahoo!" you have better stamina than I do, but we probably knew that. . .

personally, I hate that tune (but then I am well known for being a miserable cow) (only you guys haven't cottoned onto that yet)

empty headed II

not a tune,
not a thought,
not-a-thing
nothing. . .
.
empty as a bucket. . .
a bucket? a pocket!
.
ah-ha. . .

no, not a boy-band from '80s Norway. . .

. . .I think I have diamonds on the soles of my shoes instead!
.
(a-wa) O kodwa u zo-nge li-sa namhlange
(a-wa a-wa) Si-bona kwenze ka kanjani
(a-wa a-wa) Amanto mbazane ayeza
She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it,
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
He's a poor boy,
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,

(Pause)

People say she's crazy
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Well that's one way to lose these
Walking blues,
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
She was physically forgotten
but then she, slipped into my pocket
With my car keys,
She said you've taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these dia-monds,
And I could say Oo oo oo,
As if everybody knows
What I'm talking about,
As if everybody here would know
Exactly what I was talking about,
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes,

(Pause)

She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave,
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave,
To compensate for his ordinary shoes,
And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway,
By the bodegas and the lights on
Upper Broadway,
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes,
And I could say
Oo oo oo
and if everybody here would know
What I was talking about
I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds,

(Pause)

People say I'm crazy
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes yeah,
Well that's one way to lose
These walking blues,
diamonds on the soles of my shoes,
ta na na na
ta na na na na
ta na na na
ta na na na na

(to finish)
so I'm back again, for the last few days. . .

one more zappy session on Tuesday and then I think they are going to let me go home on Wednesday

it's emptied my brain, I can tell you, this treatment - haven't had a tune for days, can't think of a thing to write - not like me at all

and the other weird thing is that it's mucked up my facial recognition software - I recognise everyone, everywhere: I'm walking down the street and everysingleperson who walks past me looks familiar

they aren't - I mean, I don't know them from Adam, but in my head they look familiar

gah!

and my memory's gone pear-shaped, my children think it's hysterical

I was told that all this will sort itself out after a few weeks, but in the meantime, it's very odd being me

an empty head, no music, no thoughts, but no strangers either
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

well this morning, or afternoon as it now is, I was extremely disorientated by my ECT sesh

which was a little weird, it has to be said

and I've just realised that on my Seekers post of yesterday I didn't link to Puff the Magic Dragon, as intended. . . %-)

altho I have done now! :-)

and at some stage I've bitten off two of my nails :-(

and I have a headache boo hoo

and for some reason, I am feeling very very sad - which is odd, because ECT is supposed to cheer you up! ho hum

I suppose a good tune for today would be "the only way is up", altho I don't know if I can bring myself to post such pop trash - but apart from that, my mind is a bit of a blank. . .

a spot of education, dear reader. . .


ElectroConvulsive Therapy

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a form of treatment for certain severe psychiatric disorders that involves applying a mild electrical shock to each side of the skull. ECT is performed by a physician while the patient is monitored closely and kept pain-free.

What Is ECT?
ECT is a form of treatment for certain severe psychiatric disorders that involves using electrical shock. In ECT, a physician applies a mild electrical shock (20 to 30 milliamps) to each side of the patient's skull near the area of the temples. The procedure is done under anesthesia*, and the patient is monitored carefully. The shock is applied until the patient experiences a tonic-clonic seizure*. Normally, this would produce strong muscle contractions, causing the body to thrash about. However, the patient also is given a medication to relax the muscles, which prevents this kind of whole-body response. Instead, the seizure occurs just within the brain, where it lasts for a minute or so.

Who Benefits From ECT?
In the United States, about 100,000 people each year receive ECT. The types of mental disorders that are treated with ECT include schizophrenia, severe depression, mania, and delusional states. ECT is particularly effective as a short-term therapy for sudden, severe episodes of depression associated with suicidal tendencies. Because medications take several days or more to have an effect on severe depression, in some cases ECT is a way to provide immediate relief and protection from suicidal intent. About 60 to 70 percent of people who receive ECT experience some benefits. ECT is used with both children and adults.

Why Is ECT Controversial?
Despite its proven benefits, ECT is still somewhat controversial. The debate about its use today is based in part on the treatment's history.

Earliest Treatments
ECT was first tried in Italy in 1938. It soon was used to treat mental disorders that were resistant to other types of treatment. However, in the early days of ECT, few considerations were given to the patient's overall health. In addition, many people experienced pain from the shock itself or injuries from the whole-body seizures that resulted. Nevertheless, ECT was found to be an effective treatment for conditions such as severe depression, acute psychosis, and mania.

Modern Treatments
Modern improvements have made ECT a much safer and more comfortable experience for the patient. These improvements include the use of medications to produce a pain-free state and prevent violent muscle contractions. In 1999, the U.S. Surgeon General's report on mental health concluded that ECT was a safe and effective treatment for certain severe mental disorders when used according to current standards of care. Even so, the states of California, Texas, and Tennessee still prohibit the use of ECT with children and adolescents.

*anesthesia is a state in which a person is temporarily unable to feel pain while under the influence of a medication.

*tonic-clonic seizure is an episode in which a person usually loses consciousness, stiffens due to muscle contractions, and lets out a loud cry as air is forced through the vocal cords during the tonic phase. In the clonic phase, the muscles of the body contract and relax rhythmically, which causes the body to thrash about.

On the Horizon
Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is a new, painless treatment that uses magnetic pulses to stimulate brain activity. In some early studies, TMS appeared to work against depression. About one-third of the patients treated with TMS experienced temporary, mild headaches after the treatment, but there seemed to be no other side effects. If TMS is shown to be as effective as ECT, it may become another treatment option for severe depression in the future.

Media Portrayals
Some of the lingering debate about ECT is based on its portrayal in movies, television shows, and novels. In the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, for example, ECT was used as a punishment for unwanted behavior. Unfortunately, this kind of depiction often frightens people unnecessarily, keeping them from using a treatment that can be highly effective and even lifesaving.

Modern electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is not like the shock treatments depicted in old movies. Patients receive medications to relax and sedate them before treatment begins, and many patients with depression find that ECT is a faster and more effective treatment than medication.

How Does ECT Work?
Scientists do not know for sure how ECT works, although research now is being done to find answers to this question. Most of the research is focused on ECT's effect on part of the brain called the hypothalamus*, which, among its many functions, regulates emotional expression and controls the endocrine glands. Changes in endocrine* function are often seen after ECT treatments.

What Happens During ECT Treatment?
ECT is performed in a hospital setting under the careful guidance of a physician. First the patient is given anesthesia and muscle-relaxing medications. Then the patient receives a mild electrical shock to each side of the skull. Thanks to the medications, the patient feels no pain, and the body does not convulse. Once the procedure is over, the patient awakens after 5 to 10 minutes, much as someone would after minor surgery. ECT generally is given in a series of 6 to 12 treatments over a period of a few weeks.

Many people experience some memory loss after ECT. Usually, this loss is temporary, affecting mainly memories of events from the days, weeks, or months just before or during the series of treatments. In most cases, the memories return within several weeks after the completion of ECT.

*the hypothalamus is part of the brain that controls (among other things) the autonomic nervous system*, the endocrine glands, basic drives such as hunger, thirst, and aggressive and sexual drives. The hypothalamus also regulates emotional expression.

*autonomic nervous system is a branch of the peripheral nervous system that controls various involuntary body activities, such as body temperature, metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and digestion. The autonomic nervous system has two parts—the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches.

*endocrine refers to a group of glands, such as the thyroid, adrenal, and pituitary glands, and the hormones they produce. The endocrine glands secrete their hormones into the bloodstream, and the hormones travel to the varous organs in the body that they affect. Certain hormones have effects on mood and sometimes are involved in symptoms such as irritability, emotional swings, fatigue, insomnia, depression, suspiciousness, and apathy.
.
(and please don't forget to help yourself
to a Crunchie on your way out!
it is Friday, after all. . .)
.
(or it will be, when you read this)
,
(or some popcorn, if your name is mel!)

The Treatment

well, according to one of the nurses, I'm "cheerier" than I was upon arrival. . .

(which, to be perfectly honest, wouldn't exactly be difficult, as I was somewhat miserable it has to be said)

she also told me that I was "less scary" than I had been. . .

ho hum

yours truly. . .
"scary"?
moi?
.
surely not!

quite possibly. . . but not anymore - a few volts or milliamps to the brain a couple of times a week and smiles all around, eh

smiles masking the bewildered looks of "I can't quite remember. . . " everytime someone asks you something that you would have known a couple of weeks previously, that is

that's probably a small price to pay for a sunny/ier disposition, tho, wouldn't you say?

apparently it will come back in time - my memory; whether it will be accompanied by scowls or whether the disposition will remain bright, I wonder. . .

l0sing one's memory is very strange, because you can't remember what you have forgotten! so you don't know what you've forgotten until it becomes pertinent to a conversation, interaction or discourse; it must be a little like premature senility. . . only you're very aware of the issue

and things seem less important all of a sudden - whether that's my memory or The Treatment, I don't know

and it doesn't seem to matter, either!

a change is as good as a rest

two things, dear reader:

thing one

last night I had a visit from XCH and Smallest Person; she was distraught - more than distraught

he was fairly upset too, it has to be said

just before leaving the house, she had trodden on a kitten and broken its neck and it spasmed all the way down the stairs and when it reached the bottom it threw up the contents of its guts all over the floor. . .

(I didn't ask how much blood spilled on the new stair carpet, or why XCH had left two teenage boys to "clean up" the mess on the stairs, as he was quite distraught as already mentioned)

a hot chocolate and some Maltesers managed to quell some of the flood of tears, but not all and not for long. . .

we had a conversation about why kittens come in litters of five (in this case) and she hadn't done it on purpose. . .

she still went home sobbing


thing two

a rather dishevelled man just came up to me in the garden and asked if he could have a fag, which I duly passed over

he then stood in front of me, with his hand in his pocket and uttered the following words:

"you're very beautiful"

"I'd like to m*ke l*ve to you"

"I'd like to f*ck you"

"I'd like to s*ck your n*pples"

"I'd like to c*me all over your f*ce"

the famous footballer, who was having a fag on a bench on the other side of the garden, whistled at me to catch my attention and twirled his fingers around near his forehead in a "he's mad" kind of way. . .

I think if Dishevelled Man hadn't chosen that moment to wander off and watch some ladies performing yoga on the lawn, Famous Footballer might have come over and whopped him one on my behalf

empty headed

apart from describing my (horrible) dream in very vivid detail (a fate I will spare you, dear reader, from), I have no clue what to write about this morning (which is a little worrying, because usual I suffer from the opposite issue)

I don't know if this is an effect of The Treatment, or the fact I've been cooped up in a hospital for well over a week now. . .

. . .I haven't even got a toon going around in my head

BOO-HOO

what is a girl to do?

(no, seriously - what is a girl to do? even one aged 44)
.
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, well...
How did I get here?
.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
.
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
.
Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!
.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
.
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?
.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
.
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
.
if you could pick one of those heads,
which would it be?

(mine's a little empty at the moment,
so I'd be pleased to have anything in it)
(apart from the cracking headache which is in it)

rebooted. . .

. . .kinda

I feel very odd actually, everything is quite vague and I'm not really sure about things I feel I ought to know. . .

like:

how my laptop works,

why I seem to be unable to talk to anyone here,

what my problem with attending
"group therapy sessions" is,

why I want a bath and not a shower,

why I was so extraordinarily hungry this morning
and had a three-course breakfast,

why there is a jar of peanut butter
propping my window open,

what will happen when I go "home",

will I ever have sex again,

what am I going to do with myself in September
and thereafter
(if I make it thru the summer, that is)
(which I probably will,
now I'm in the care of The Good Doctor)
when Smallest Person goes to secondary school,
.
when will the neurofen I took for
my splitting headache
take effect. . .
.
anyhow, enough of my trivia!
I think I need to have a little nap and let my neurons settle down; everything is feeling slightly frazzled and bleary
.
I'll catch you later
.
:-)