TGD asks "meet me halfway"

.
and that is making me think - YIKES!!

Halfway down the stairs
.
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair where I sit:
There isn't any other stair quite like it.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top:
So this is the stair where I always stop.
.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up, and isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town:
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head:
"It isn't really anywhere!
It's somewhere else instead!"
..
A A Milne

further tales from a mad house

yesterday I was feeling very slightly better! a little more chipper! a little less sad! TGD was very pleased with my progress and confirmed no more ECT but a raise in the experimental drug that he prescribed this Saturday, which finally kicked in big-time on Sunday (too late for Saturday's latest death quest of major wrist slashing in the bath, which followed a "pep-talk" from one of the nursing staff and XCH visiting to confirm we will not ever be living together as a "family" again)(the latter circumstance TGD described as my "nuclear family fantasy", but which I had thought of as a normal desire for two good friends who still love each other and spend most weekends together and happen to be parents of the three same children and had hoped would be the result of time apart from each other, after 15 years of living together and 21 years of friendship) (ho hum) (ho hum regards my "hope" being a "fantasy") to drag me up from the depths and dregs of my current misery (which TGD says is illness) to a level reaching an almost bearable sadness
.

and then last night, a little like last Tuesday, when the fragility of my circumstances struck me, everything came crashing down again
.

a new admission (this place takes in depressives, like me, and also addicts and alcoholics) who was drunk beyond belief but still somehow able to stand, stared at me across the nurses' station as I waited for my evening cocktail. . . I didn't mean to look back, and certainly not catch her eye, but unfortunately I must have glanced in her general direction. . .
.

"look at me
once more
you CUNT
and I'll come over there
and SMASH YOUR
FUCKING FACE IN"

.
"charming" would have been my more normal response, but I am not able to manage charm right now
.

I'm sorry to say, dear reader, that I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably and was unable to return to my room (which was right next door to the above mentioned good woman's) so spent the night in a pokey, but safe and well out of harm's way, cupboard
.

this morning I was too scared to go to the dining hall for breakfast (a bit of a shame as I had just started accumulating extra brownie points from TGD for doing sociable/normal things like going to the dining hall to eat, instead of cowering in my room and having food brought to me) so I thought I'd make some toast and a cuppa in the ward kitchenette, having made sure that the above mentioned good woman was nowhere in the vicinity. . .
.

. . .who should I bump into at the kettle, but FF; now he'd already given me a huge hug (one of those ones you guys describe as squeezing the breath out of one's lung's) yesterday, as he was upset for me for the reason for Saturday's A&E trip; this morning he made me toasted baguette and even buttered it! what a sweetie
.

I think he is well enough to leave soon, and I will miss him - he's the only "normal" person in here

a little something for dave

one of these is an image of baklawa, a Middle Eastern delicacy (of which I am rather fond, that much has to be admitted) and one of the following is an image of ladies (?) sporting balaclava (of which you seem to be rather fond)

now, where were we. . .

a change is as good as a rest

two things, dear reader:

thing one

last night I had a visit from XCH and Smallest Person; she was distraught - more than distraught

he was fairly upset too, it has to be said

just before leaving the house, she had trodden on a kitten and broken its neck and it spasmed all the way down the stairs and when it reached the bottom it threw up the contents of its guts all over the floor. . .

(I didn't ask how much blood spilled on the new stair carpet, or why XCH had left two teenage boys to "clean up" the mess on the stairs, as he was quite distraught as already mentioned)

a hot chocolate and some Maltesers managed to quell some of the flood of tears, but not all and not for long. . .

we had a conversation about why kittens come in litters of five (in this case) and she hadn't done it on purpose. . .

she still went home sobbing


thing two

a rather dishevelled man just came up to me in the garden and asked if he could have a fag, which I duly passed over

he then stood in front of me, with his hand in his pocket and uttered the following words:

"you're very beautiful"

"I'd like to m*ke l*ve to you"

"I'd like to f*ck you"

"I'd like to s*ck your n*pples"

"I'd like to c*me all over your f*ce"

the famous footballer, who was having a fag on a bench on the other side of the garden, whistled at me to catch my attention and twirled his fingers around near his forehead in a "he's mad" kind of way. . .

I think if Dishevelled Man hadn't chosen that moment to wander off and watch some ladies performing yoga on the lawn, Famous Footballer might have come over and whopped him one on my behalf