more from the concrete few square yards. . .

so I can't sit in the swingseat, as it's been raining buckets and the wood is soaked

at least I remembered to bring the cushion in last night; it looks like it might be sunny this morning so maybe the wood will dry out later and I can go relax in comfort (not that sitting here, doing this, isn't comfortable)

two of my three best oldest girlfriends from Uni, who were my bridesmaids, have checked in - which is lovely (oldies but goldies, them both); dave sent me a very thoughtful card, which was sweet (and even vicus got in touch!) (well, not literally speaking) (oldies and greying the both of them, I suspect - altho I don't have the proof, it's just a suposition); my newest friend - Patrick - has checked in (he didn't know today was today, until last night). . .

The Teen said I'm "lame" (his response to my crying if I want to!) (he thinks I have the mind of a child) (I'll take that as a compliment) (but he's angling for the day off school tommorow, so he's restraining himself)

Middle One, who lives in a world of his own a lot of the time - which saddens me, as he is so lovely and I wish he'd invite me in - has forgotten what the day is. . .

Smallest Person is still fast asleep, I ought to get my act together and pack her lunch and wake her up

.
ho hum
.

I'm not all here, really

it seems strange that from tomorrow I'll be a homeowner again, so excuse me if I am somewhat distracted; all joking apart, I'm not overjoyed about the situation to be perfectly honest, but I just have to make the most of it, eh?

SHE wrote to me, which I thought was quite timely, and wondered if I wanted to go see her again, and I need to think about that - perhaps the paragraph above suggests it would be churlish not to. . .

and last, but not least, there is a squirrel sitting on the fence in the back yard looking at me very strangely!

PS
pinch punch
first of the month
and no returns. . .

SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .(e)

I was s'posed to go see SHE yesterday

I didn't

GUESS WHAT????
the scary woman actually phoned me up instead. . .

now, I don't usually answer my phone to avoid exactly this: having a conversation with someone I don't want to talk to (erm, that would be, like everyone) (anyone) (not that many people phone me up) (on account of noone knowing my number) (my way of avoiding having to answer the phone) (I figure if it's important, they'll phone back) (anyhow)

but I have had to recently (answer the dog 'n' bone) (on account of buying the new abode) (all sorts of people think they have a right to talk you when you are making a major purchase. . .)

anyway, SHE phoned, I didn't know it was SHE, I answered. . .

SHE said SHE'd see me today

I said I'd think about it

so I thunk and when I texted (see, I can do texting, cos you don't have to talk to anyone) to say "OK", SHE texted back saying SHE was no longer available

%-)

but I took her advice and did something constructive instead with my morning

. . .I went OUT. . .

!!

YIKES - it's scary out there. . . I won't bore you with it, apart from to say that the highlight of my trip OUT was the multi-storey-car-park-ticket-machine that said "have a nice day" when I left

hope you
have a nice day!

but first. . . 70/30

there is an advert to be found in a certain pink broadsheet for a certain company which features a certain man playing a certain game, and the fact that he always has a back-up plan* (30%) if his plan (70%) doesn't work out. . .

SHE said something similar to me last week. . .

. . .about my lack of. . .

(*now, I've never had one of those, because I always believed that what I was doing was the right thing and that "it" would work out) (but "it" didn't)

(. . .so SHE didn't think I had been very good at making decisions!)

now, however, I need one (a back-up plan, cos some of the decisions are not within my control anymore)

so I have one!
.

ta-da
.

*feels vaguely smug*

paralysing analysing - pah! TAKE THAT !!!!

the most amusing (and possibly useful) things to come out of my two visits to SHE were the tunes on the radio that were playing when I drove away. . . what does that tell you? actually, don't bother answering that, it's probably rhetorical anyhow

. . .I find that the random tunes on the radio are sometimes the most enjoyable things about trips anywhere at the moment, but less of that. . .

last week it was "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, this week this song:

You, you're such a big star to me
You're everything I wanna be
But you're stuck in a hole and I want you to get out
I don't know what there is to see
But I know it's time for you to leave
We're all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out.

All your anticipation pulls you down
When you can have it all,
You can have it all.

So come on, so come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine

Stop (stop)!
Being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come around
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and you might want to smile, smile, smile.

Don't you let your demons pull you down
'Cause you can have it all,
you can have it all.

So come on, So come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine.

Hey, let me know you (let me know ya)
You're all that matters to me
Hey, let me show you (let me show ya)
You're all that matters to me.

So come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey.

So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine.
Hey,let me know you (let me know ya)
You'reall that matters to me
Hey,let me show you (let me show ya)
You're all that matters.
Let me know you
So come on
See the light on your face
Let it shine
Just let it shine
Let it shine.

.

only now do I find out it's TAKE THAT

oh well, they were OK, I guess. . . and the above is just right because of mig's comment the other day (actually, the videos don't really work for me - some things work best audibly not visually)

I do love Take That's theme tune song to Stardust tho! play it full blast in the car on a sunny morning with the roof down singing along with Smallest Person if it comes on as we drive to school. . . oh, and I've always like this one too:

I guess now it's time for me to give up
I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

Whatever I said, whatever I did
I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn't good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be

In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood
And we'll be together, this time is forever
We'll be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood I guess now it's time,
That you came back for good
.

ps: a million love songs later, and here I am, just trying to tell you that I care. . . (they all look so young, and Gary's got a sore throat, poor love)

SHE: the homework

well, it didn't make interesting reading, which is why I have spared you all; so, you can breathe a collective sigh of relief and go about your day (yes, even you, I can see you lurking at the back)

but for those who are really really interested, there follows a synopsis:

I was told many many years ago now (after my first MAJOR panic attack half way thru the first exam of my first university year) that, as humans, our brains generate chemicals which create our five main states of emotion. . .

. . .and from these five, everything else stems

MAD
SAD
GLAD

SCARED

&
SEXY

that may or not be right, but it kind of worked for me at the time and has hung about in some nook or cranny somewhere every since and refused to budge

now, I was having an interesting conversation with The Teen about shower curtains and the new abode (interesting, I thought at the time, that he may one day intend to shower, so I didn't distract him from his chain of thought but indulged his musings for a short while) (the operative word being "short")

he was saying that the bath on his floor ought to have a shower, because I wouldn't want him wandering about into the shower in my bedroom in the middle of the night, because it might interrupt an evening with a boyfriend, because

"BOYFRIEND!!" I scoffed, continuing:

"if you think I'm EVER having another relationship with a man after what happened to me last year with your father and The Tunesmith, you've got another think coming"

(apparently, I then muttered something. . .)

(. . .something rather offensive about ". . .MEN!. . .")

he became extremely offended, because The Teen - at the delightful age of fourteen and one half - and the enormous size of 6' 2" - already considers himself to be a man and as such I had slurred his whole gender

so, when I had calmed down, I assured him he could wander in and out of my room in the wee small hours of the morning (*hums*) as much as he liked, but I wasn't going to be purchasing a shower curtain

I'd rather spend the money on twinkly lights for my bedroom, to be perfectly frank

so that's & SEXY sorted

MAD GLAD SAD SCARED

in no particular order. . .


I realised how ANGRY I am - it was dreadful, my mother used to say to me: "you're not cross, you're just tired" and pack me off to my room. . . I'm not good with anger

I realised I already know how DESPERATELY BEREFT I am and don't want to think about it anymore. . . thank you very much

I'm f*ing PETRIFIED at the moment. . . of saying and doing the wrong thing, being the wrong person, moving in the wrong way when I have a small choice - it's crippling me to the point where I cannot move or say or do anything out of the fear of doing something wrong and making a mistake I can't put right

and as for GLAD, there are happy moments. . . small ones, but it's like I'm looking at them thru the wrong end of a telescope

or thru a periscope - rather than experiencing them for what they truly are: the good bits

so, after day two of The Homework, I stopped thinking and writing

and I haven't really done much since, but it's Friday now - so help yourself to a Crunchie and enjoy the happy moments of your day. . .

because there will be, there are some -
small tho they might seem

.

you being here,
(even the people
not really paying attention
but just sidling in and out at the back
gently and quietly)
with me, is one of mine
.
thank you!

.

:-)

SHE (continued)

so, let's hope that SHE manages to either get my telescope sorted, or find me a place to be where I don't need a periscope or a pair of binoculars - but I have been having dreadful headaches again recently, so I think it's time I went and got my eyes checked. . .

. . .last time I went they gave me a pair of glasses, but I lost them

I'm sure there's a pair of rose coloured spectacles knocking about for me somewhere!

No one told me about her
The way she lied
Well, no one told me about her
How many people cried

Well, it’s too late to say you’re sorry
How would I know, why should I care
Please don’t bother trying to find her
She’s not there...oh oh oh

Nobody told me about her
What could I do
Well, nobody told me about her
Though they all knew

Well, it’s too late to say you’re sorry
How would I know, why should I care
Please don’t bother trying to find her
She’s not there....

Well, let me tell you about the way she looked
The way she acted, the color of her hair
Her voice is soft and cool
Her eyes are clear and bright
But she’s not there...
.

SANTANA or THE ZOMBIES

(I know we've had it before, but it's going around in my head amongst some other stuff with which I won't bore you)

madness distilled

she (she was a she)(the new Dr Shrink, but we'll call her SHE)(as opposed to new Head Doctor)(he just does the meds and the odd phrase of wisdom) SHE told me to write down my thoughts

but i blog! i thought

so this morning i was thinking about that

and one think i thought was - sod it, they are all with XCH so i'll smoke inside with the door to the back step open, so i can still listen to the bird song and enjoy the cool of the early morning air from the warmth of the kitchen

and i know this, the smoking, is an abhorrent thought to some of you, but i also know (now)(thanks to SHE) that that doesn't matter a jot

you are all in my head

you are the people i wish i had met in real life

friends
supportive

non-judgemental

ones i have come to love, dearly

i know exactly who you all are

mel and mig are not mother-types, altho there is an age difference (not that i know how old mel is) and they both have daughters, but they are the kind of people who say things to me that my mother should have said, wise womanly, human, kind things - they don't constantly criticise and they don't expect me to do my best (which for my mother = be perfect) altho they know I do (and understand that = good enough)

dave and gordie are not father-types, but they say things to me and are the people with characteristics that my father should have said - they are interesting, educated, well read, fun, human, recognise limitations (my father used to say to me "I am a computer, I do not understand, explain another way")(he didn't do emotion, or pain, or anger, or indifference - only a kind of personal suffering which he didn't share or explain but we all suffered from him anyhow)

mango is the quiet girl at the back of the library who used to smile at me and sometimes we'd talk but there was a sort of an understanding between us altho not much was said

ziggi and double oh are the big sisters i never had - bonkers, fun, girly, the sort of girly that shows confidence in being a woman

horse the little sister

steg is the perfect big brother, a bloke to the core, fun, musical, educated, loving, kind

vicus is the mad uncle who visits everynowandagain and makes you laugh and you know under the gruffness that there is a kind soul who wouldn't harm you, he is not threatening (unlike my real uncle who was - well, i won't bore you with that)

.

KAZ is the wonderful mad aunt (i didn't have any aunts, to speak of) only she is not mad, she's young and fun and trendy and would probably take me shopping and we'd like the same shops and treat ourselves to silly things for the fun of it and she'd let me have a taste of something alcoholic that would make me barf and she'd laugh at me, but i'd know underneath she was just introducing me to the world of grown-ups
.

Z and dynamo are sweet kind rarely visiting aunts
.
craig and shot are the archetypal perfect American boyfriend that i grew up dreaming of in films and tv show, only i'm English and they are American, so that's the perfection in that despite the virtuality, craig is a good-looking Walton and shot is one of Fraiser's brothers (not Nials, oh no, i have been in love with Nials for years; shot is the other brother, the one they never mentioned in the show)

.

beep and malc are the perfect boy-next-door friends

craig, shot, beep, malc, gordie and steg host their own radio shows and i know if i tuned in i'd love every song and my record collection would extend beyond Abba, The Beatles, Bread, and various other middle of the road band i'm too embarrassed to admit to

saffron is my imaginary best friend