madness distilled

she (she was a she)(the new Dr Shrink, but we'll call her SHE)(as opposed to new Head Doctor)(he just does the meds and the odd phrase of wisdom) SHE told me to write down my thoughts

but i blog! i thought

so this morning i was thinking about that

and one think i thought was - sod it, they are all with XCH so i'll smoke inside with the door to the back step open, so i can still listen to the bird song and enjoy the cool of the early morning air from the warmth of the kitchen

and i know this, the smoking, is an abhorrent thought to some of you, but i also know (now)(thanks to SHE) that that doesn't matter a jot

you are all in my head

you are the people i wish i had met in real life


ones i have come to love, dearly

i know exactly who you all are

mel and mig are not mother-types, altho there is an age difference (not that i know how old mel is) and they both have daughters, but they are the kind of people who say things to me that my mother should have said, wise womanly, human, kind things - they don't constantly criticise and they don't expect me to do my best (which for my mother = be perfect) altho they know I do (and understand that = good enough)

dave and gordie are not father-types, but they say things to me and are the people with characteristics that my father should have said - they are interesting, educated, well read, fun, human, recognise limitations (my father used to say to me "I am a computer, I do not understand, explain another way")(he didn't do emotion, or pain, or anger, or indifference - only a kind of personal suffering which he didn't share or explain but we all suffered from him anyhow)

mango is the quiet girl at the back of the library who used to smile at me and sometimes we'd talk but there was a sort of an understanding between us altho not much was said

ziggi and double oh are the big sisters i never had - bonkers, fun, girly, the sort of girly that shows confidence in being a woman

horse the little sister

steg is the perfect big brother, a bloke to the core, fun, musical, educated, loving, kind

vicus is the mad uncle who visits everynowandagain and makes you laugh and you know under the gruffness that there is a kind soul who wouldn't harm you, he is not threatening (unlike my real uncle who was - well, i won't bore you with that)
KAZ is the wonderful mad aunt (i didn't have any aunts, to speak of) only she is not mad, she's young and fun and trendy and would probably take me shopping and we'd like the same shops and treat ourselves to silly things for the fun of it and she'd let me have a taste of something alcoholic that would make me barf and she'd laugh at me, but i'd know underneath she was just introducing me to the world of grown-ups
Z and dynamo are sweet kind rarely visiting aunts
craig and shot are the archetypal perfect American boyfriend that i grew up dreaming of in films and tv show, only i'm English and they are American, so that's the perfection in that despite the virtuality, craig is a good-looking Walton and shot is one of Fraiser's brothers (not Nials, oh no, i have been in love with Nials for years; shot is the other brother, the one they never mentioned in the show)
beep and malc are the perfect boy-next-door friends

craig, shot, beep, malc, gordie and steg host their own radio shows and i know if i tuned in i'd love every song and my record collection would extend beyond Abba, The Beatles, Bread, and various other middle of the road band i'm too embarrassed to admit to

saffron is my imaginary best friend


Rimshot said...

Erm...the cat's mother?


Madam, you flatter me beyond the reaches of my imagination.

If parenthesis/brackets really could be hugs, my arms would ache for days.


Have an incredibly weekend.

Rimshot said...

...and to your lovely readers and rabble too! ;-D

Dave said...


No, can't think of any other response.

Dash said...

LOL Are you trying to tell me something?


BTW there is nothing wrong with a bit of 'middle of the road' music but there is so much more wonderful music out there that you would love too.

I, still, ♥ the views said...

if you read the invisible writing between the lines, dear friend dash, you'd realise that YOU are the one who knows me in REAL LIFE


as our recent hot chocolate proved


mind you, I ought to add you to the radio station list, eh?


much love

(see, told you I always say/write the wrong things and upset people)


Dash said...

But if you read not between the lines but on the lines, you would have noticed the 'LOL' and the :-) because you didn't upset me in the slightest. I actually found it quite funny.

I still do.


Malc said...

Am I getting paid for this radio station?

As for embarrassing - I'm listening to Jethro Tull at present.

I blame the public school education.

Dave said...

Well, I'm really quite upset to be thought a kind of father-figure to a 40-something woman, when I'm only 38 myself.

Mel said...

*fluffs up the pillows, hands over a good cuppa coffee and slides over the ashtray*

You just get comfy and know that you can BE all that you are right where you are....exactly AS you are.


And I'm not the least concerned that you'll take us all to SHE as some of the thoughts that run through your head.
*mild panicked look*

Please do give a bit of advanced notice on this--I'll wear my bestest mis-matched socks for the occasion.
Whaddaya think.....stars and polka-dots or stipes and flowers?

Oh.....maybe the Snoopy ones! :-)

Nope. Not the least bit worried about takin' us rabbley folks to SHE!

(k....I might be a bit worried about Mr. A.......)

Steg said...

Colour me absurdly flattered. I've never been a big brother before - I was littlest by a fair distance.

I like the suggestion that SHE made about your writing down thoughts. Already more pro-active than I've heard you mention before.

Coincidentally, I'm also listening to Jethro Tull but I blame my age rather than the Grammar School education.

Never be embarrassed to admit to any music you own - it's the soundtrack to your life. I'll tell anyone that I love Neil Diamond! Well, not literally, but you know what I mean. And today's radio show may have to start with "Forever In Blue Jeans"!

Steg said...

And if we're all coming to see SHE with you I promise not to flirt with her.


mig bardsley said...

Honoured almost beyond words to be included in your 'family'.
Dear I ......
Oh this is going to give me a little warm glow all the rest of the weekend whenever I think about it :)

Well I'm happy to go to see SHE with you.

Coincidentally, middle child has just obtained free tickets for me And the bear to go and see Jethro Tull next month :)
Oh bother and blow - I really have to go out right NOW!
I'll be back later to pay proper attention :)
Happy weekend to you too and everyone else in the rabble/family :)

Z said...

Darling, I'm proud to be your aunt, and thank you.

One of my happiest discoveries of the last year or two has been music I've never listened to before.

So Steg's my nephew, hey?

Mangonel said...


Rimshot said...

"...and my record collection would extend beyond Abba, The Beatles, Bread..."

Well there's the problem! You haven't made it past the 'B's yet. Soon you'll be listening to Chicago, Cheap Trick, The Cult, The Cure...then on to Del Amitri, The Dog's D'Amour...

mig bardsley said...

Came back, paid attention and am still thinking nothing much more than :) ! I'm so touched :)
And as a notquitemother figure, I am proud to be your friend.

Oh and how interesting - perhaps we all choose friends to fill in gaps in the human experiences we missed from our families?

ziggi said...

I am a middle sister in the real world and it's crap so I'd much rather be yours!

dinahmow said...

OOh! I'm asweet rarely-visting aunt. How lovel...hang about! Rarely visiting? Oh dear! I must fix that. Note to self: pop across more often.
(Is your new house anywhere near that pub by Putney Bridge?)
And I'm chuffed to be a friend.Really.

Gordie said...

Bless you for giving me a place in your family. For allowing me to stand in the place of your father, with all the honour and dignity and privilege that attaches to that role, and without all the .... you know... without that.

I am overjoyed to realise that I have experienced emotion, pain, anger, and even indifference (because sometimes it's lovely to feel it wash over me) in my friendship with you. And I have been enriched by all of them.

As Mrs Doyle would say: go on go on go on go on GO ON

Gordie said...

I tgink it's a very good idea to write down your thoughts. And your emotions. Not on the blog. In a book. Which you can shut tight, and leave everything inside, until you open it again.

the Beep said...

Hey! I used t make radio tapes as a SP.

Anyway read this listening to INXS. Does that count?

Doubt I'd stay boy next door for long. Bloody hormones and blondes.


I, still, ♥ the views said...


(just testing. . .)

the Beep said...

yes, the old testing... isn't that where the hormones come from?

Gordie said...

No, I think you're thinking of batchelor's testy soups.