she (she was a she)(the new Dr Shrink, but we'll call her SHE)(as opposed to new Head Doctor)(he just does the meds and the odd phrase of wisdom) SHE told me to write down my thoughts
but i blog! i thought
so this morning i was thinking about that
and one think i thought was - sod it, they are all with XCH so i'll smoke inside with the door to the back step open, so i can still listen to the bird song and enjoy the cool of the early morning air from the warmth of the kitchen
and i know this, the smoking, is an abhorrent thought to some of you, but i also know (now)(thanks to SHE) that that doesn't matter a jot
you are all in my head
you are the people i wish i had met in real life
friends
supportive
non-judgemental
ones i have come to love, dearly
i know exactly who you all are
mel and mig are not mother-types, altho there is an age difference (not that i know how old mel is) and they both have daughters, but they are the kind of people who say things to me that my mother should have said, wise womanly, human, kind things - they don't constantly criticise and they don't expect me to do my best (which for my mother = be perfect) altho they know I do (and understand that = good enough)
dave and gordie are not father-types, but they say things to me and are the people with characteristics that my father should have said - they are interesting, educated, well read, fun, human, recognise limitations (my father used to say to me "I am a computer, I do not understand, explain another way")(he didn't do emotion, or pain, or anger, or indifference - only a kind of personal suffering which he didn't share or explain but we all suffered from him anyhow)
mango is the quiet girl at the back of the library who used to smile at me and sometimes we'd talk but there was a sort of an understanding between us altho not much was said
ziggi and double oh are the big sisters i never had - bonkers, fun, girly, the sort of girly that shows confidence in being a woman
horse the little sister
steg is the perfect big brother, a bloke to the core, fun, musical, educated, loving, kind
vicus is the mad uncle who visits everynowandagain and makes you laugh and you know under the gruffness that there is a kind soul who wouldn't harm you, he is not threatening (unlike my real uncle who was - well, i won't bore you with that)
.
KAZ is the wonderful mad aunt (i didn't have any aunts, to speak of) only she is not mad, she's young and fun and trendy and would probably take me shopping and we'd like the same shops and treat ourselves to silly things for the fun of it and she'd let me have a taste of something alcoholic that would make me barf and she'd laugh at me, but i'd know underneath she was just introducing me to the world of grown-ups
.
Z and dynamo are sweet kind rarely visiting aunts
.
craig and shot are the archetypal perfect American boyfriend that i grew up dreaming of in films and tv show, only i'm English and they are American, so that's the perfection in that despite the virtuality, craig is a good-looking Walton and shot is one of Fraiser's brothers (not Nials, oh no, i have been in love with Nials for years; shot is the other brother, the one they never mentioned in the show)
.
beep and malc are the perfect boy-next-door friends
craig, shot, beep, malc, gordie and steg host their own radio shows and i know if i tuned in i'd love every song and my record collection would extend beyond Abba, The Beatles, Bread, and various other middle of the road band i'm too embarrassed to admit to
saffron is my imaginary best friend
Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever?
