perspective

often this is the key

I sat on a bench by the river, thinking - much like I used to sit on a bench by the pond, thinking

one thing that occurred to me was that I am privileged to have benches and rivers and ponds and the time to sit on/by them and think

(-:

the children went yesterday evening. . . strangely the house didn't feel "empty" without them, it felt peaceful (and warm - yes, I lit the fire. . .)

we're back in that week-on/weekend-off routine. . . didn't stop Mini-Teen from phoning me first thing for funds for her xmas shopping and asking me to go with her tho (it's nice to be wanted!)

I had to rearrange my TTT due to a bit of a mix-up when I wasn't quite coping earlier this week, and when we eventually got together I talked my way thru the last ten days - the exhaustion, both emotional and physical; the realisations, the dawnings, the penny-dropping moments. . .

I came away with a new realisation: I don't have to get the central heating fixed, I don't have to get the electrics fixed, I don't have to finish the decorating, I don't have to make curtains, I don't have to unpack and sort and make space and throw stuff out

not right now, anyhow

I'm going to see if I can concentrate on resting, finding my energy/ies and then tapping into it/them; keeping up with the laundry and the groceries and the housework; being calm for the homeworks, not getting wound up over the bickering and the arguments; keeping my sadness in perspective so it doesn't overwhelm me, or those around me; keeping the good things in mind: the roof over my head, the food on my plate, the fire in the grate and - most importantly - the children who love me and who I love, the three who need me to hold it together

it was beautiful by the river

calm and bright and peaceful with a bitter chill (in a refreshing way) (not an Eve of St Agnes way). . . quite invigorating (well, that's be the coffee probably!)

I hope you have moments of
calm, peace and beauty
this weekend!

.
XXX

tinkering, tailoring, soldiering on

(I don't know how to work sailor into that)

yesterday I learnt something about confrontations and power struggles, how to manage them and how to avoid them

she's excellent my TTT WWW

I came away thinking, almost believing, that next time The Teen kicks off I might be able to contain the situation without wanting/needing to call the cavalry. . .

we discussed EQ and IQ (I read the EQ book years ago), revisited the notion that IQ gets you the job but EQ gets you the promotion, focused on how extremely needy and demanding M-T is becoming as the time for me to move back in approaches (she is nervous and scared and worried about whether I am going to be able to keep it together this time) (and who can blame her) (I understand entirely) and how I may be able to nurture Mini-Teen's EQ by how I manage my response to her needs. . .

I thought a lot about Middle One and how he almost gets overlooked whilst I spend my energy dealing with the other two (this has been the case since MO's birth, and that of M-T which followed eighteen months later). . .

I suspect that a large part of MO's ability to look after himself so competently is directly attributable to the fact that when he was growing up I was always running around after his older brother and his younger sister, leaving him to look after himself. . .

dear reader, you, if you are lucky enough to have children, might wonder what all the fuss is about - perhaps you just got on with it? perhaps your parents did a better job of bringing you up than mine did with me? perhaps your stamina and energy levels always remained above the threshold whereby none of this tired you out to the point of exhaustion where you could not see how you were going to make it thru the next hour, let alone the next day? I suspect parenting depends on a multitude of factors, genetic, nurtured, environmental, familial, doesn't it?

I'm learning as I go at the moment - I have nothing to base my current experience of my children on and I need all the help I can get from anyone with a little insight and the time to share it with me

the only thing I know is that I love them

oughts, shoulds, musts

funny the things you think about late at night

when really you ought to be asleep

"ought" is an odd word

suggesting actions one might (have) take(n): it's very similar to "must" and "should"

the things that don't necessarily feel right, but you ought / must / should "do" them anyway

not necessarily within your comfort zone, but probably "good" things to do

there is a phrase "needs must", isn't there

it always makes me think of doing things that you might not do in other circumstances (well, I don't mean "you" exactly) (like remaking the sheets sides-to-middle, to squeeze a few more years wear out of them. . .)

XCH and I had eighteen months of "couple counselling" about three years ago. . . I think I've learnt more about him in the last six months than in all the 22 years that I've known him. . . more than in all those hours of talking all that time ago (and it does seem a long long time ago now). . . anyhow. . . perhaps he's changed - I think he has. . . (perhaps I listen now? perhaps I hear, too? maybe I didn't do either back then? I tried - I know I ought to still try now - my best - I always try my best). . . also, of course, we are not the near-children we were when we met. . . and, of course, we have children of our own. . .

we'll always have those children between us, even tho there are other kinds of things between us now

.

distances mainly
..

but like I said, I really ought to be asleep
.

needs must, and all that

.

I hope you sleep/slept with angels,
dear reader,
and thank you for keeping me company tonight
.

X

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

.

SNOW PATROL

give a man a fish. . .

teach a man to fish. . .

there is a flock of cormorants fishing in the river - "ducking" and diving, so to speak

I wonder what they find

feeling the fear

and doing it anyway

I don't get homework after TTT, but if I did this is what it would be this week. . .

(-:

fingers and fiddlesticks

I'm not very good at relaxing. . .

can't sit back and just twiddle my thumbs. . . have to be holding a fag and smoking, holding a cup and drinking (not a glass, a cup), reading, drawing, typing, knitting, sewing. . .
..

. . .I've almost finished the Kaffe Fassett tapestry (the lobster, below), which, as you may recall, I started in the summer:
..

.
it's at the house, so I only sew for about half an hour a day (inbetween looking after the children and the household chores and duties) - I have another that I want to start next, a cushion comprising detail from one of the Klimt images I love. . .

.
. . .and then, the other day, the new catalogue arrived in the mail and I gasped out loud!
.

I want THAT kit. . .
the one on the cover. . .
not because I like the auricula - I don't -
because I love the lichen in the background. . .

so, should I indulge myself and buy the kit and sew only the lichen, ignoring the flower but continuing the pattern of the lichen across the whole canvas. . . or should I be restrained and sew the Klimt. . .
.

decisions, decisions. . .

it was going to be this - it so wanted to be that (but. . . it's not)
.

it's this instead

catch me if I fall or fail

so I used to have a WWW and now I have TTT*


(*Tuesday Talking Time)

yesterday we talked about many things, including self esteem and assertiveness

I told her that I'd had another run of good days since we last met, I'm trying to put a "safety net" in place for the next bad day
.
the bad days are not so great, as you know - but they are also not so frequent, and when they come not as intense: characterised now by deep deep sadness and bewilderment at my circumstances and hour upon hour of copious weeping and the desire to speak to someone who will listen but with the fear of not wanting to burden anyone, rather than a fear of life
.
I still haven't phoned the number on the leaflet, altho I did throw away my "emergency" meds

being with my children, without the annoying nanny woman, is proving far less stressful and much better all round
.
leaving at the end of the evening, totally shattered, and being able to come back here and fall directly into bed without passing GO or collecting £200 means that I am sleeping better - fewer nightmares, more ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz time and without the need for the addictive tablets
.
I deeply deeply dread another bad day; as the run of good days increases I start to wonder if 'tomorrow' I will be down and then I find that I have to stop myself dwelling on that frightening thought and just get on with whatever is on the agenda of the day
.
I become more objective about my situation, more able to be strong with my children, it's a little like having been stuck in quick sand into which one was sinking sinking sinking ever deeper - but now finding that I can move forward everso slightly, I can raise a foot and place it in front of me and move my body's centre of balance in a new direction
.

but I still don't know what to do about the panic