catch me if I fall or fail

so I used to have a WWW and now I have TTT*

(*Tuesday Talking Time)

yesterday we talked about many things, including self esteem and assertiveness

I told her that I'd had another run of good days since we last met, I'm trying to put a "safety net" in place for the next bad day
the bad days are not so great, as you know - but they are also not so frequent, and when they come not as intense: characterised now by deep deep sadness and bewilderment at my circumstances and hour upon hour of copious weeping and the desire to speak to someone who will listen but with the fear of not wanting to burden anyone, rather than a fear of life

I still haven't phoned the number on the leaflet, altho I did throw away my "emergency" meds

being with my children, without the annoying nanny woman, is proving far less stressful and much better all round
leaving at the end of the evening, totally shattered, and being able to come back here and fall directly into bed without passing GO or collecting £200 means that I am sleeping better - fewer nightmares, more ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz time and without the need for the addictive tablets
I deeply deeply dread another bad day; as the run of good days increases I start to wonder if 'tomorrow' I will be down and then I find that I have to stop myself dwelling on that frightening thought and just get on with whatever is on the agenda of the day
I become more objective about my situation, more able to be strong with my children, it's a little like having been stuck in quick sand into which one was sinking sinking sinking ever deeper - but now finding that I can move forward everso slightly, I can raise a foot and place it in front of me and move my body's centre of balance in a new direction

but I still don't know what to do about the panic


Dave said...

This is positive, and I'm pleased. I hope you are.

Gordie said...

That sounds good. And you still have my permission to call me.

Mel said...

I'm sure while it sounds like progress and a good thing to all of us in the audience, it surely doesn't feel so great.
But it is progress...and it is a good thing.....and I'm really, really glad you've got WWW/TTT in your life and on your side.

Good Wednesday to you!

Steg said...

Moving one's body's centre of balance in a new direction must be a good thing.

Well done, you, and here's hoping that string of good days gets even longer....

Rimshot said...

ziggi said...

stands for Things Take Time


ziggi said...

T. T. T.

Put up in a place
where it's easy to see
the cryptic admonishment
T. T. T.

When you feel how depressingly
slowly you climb,
it's well to remember that
Things Take Time.
Piet Hein

Rimshot said...

1. Don't panic (English)
2. Ne paniquez pas (or) Pas de panique (French)
3. Niente panico (or) Non lasciarsi prendere dal panico (Italian)
4. Nao se apavore (Portugese)
5. No te asustes (Spanish)
6. Tippanikjax (Maltese)
7. Psyhraimia (Greek)
8. Ná bíodh scaoll ort (Irish Gaelic)
9. Ny gow aggle (Manx Gaelic)
10. Ta det rolig (Norwegian)
11. Ta det lugnt (or) Ingen panik (Swedish)
12. Undgå panik (or) Slap af (or) Tag det roligt (Danish)
13. Geen paniek (or) Raak niet in paniek (Dutch - Netherlands)
14. Niet panikeren (Dutch - Flemish)
15. Moenie paniek nie (Afrikaans)
16. Keine Panik (German)
17. Slappadu af (Icelandic)
18. Älä hätäile, or ei paniikkia (Finnish, thanks WWWWolf)
19. Ne panikui (or panikuy) (Russian)
20. Tea paanikasse sattuv (Estonian)
21. Nincs gáz (Hungarian)
22. Nedelat panika (or) Nedelat zdeseni (Czech)
23. Nie panikuj or Bez paniki (Polish, second corrected c/o Ariloulaleelay)
24. Al tilahetz (when addressing a male, or) Al tilahtzi (when addressing a female, or) Bli panika (if you're an American and don't mind sounding like one) (Hebrew)
25. Natarse (Farsi)
26. Ghabarao mat (Hindi/Urdu)
27. Ghabari beda (Kannada)
28. Awate nasanna (or) Awatenaideh (or) Shinpai suruna (or) Panikku wo okosuna (Japanese)
29. Uoki maka'u kuhewa (Hawaiian)
30. Tenang saja (or) Menenangkan (or) Tidak kelabakan (Indonesian)
31. Noli pavere (or) Nolite pavere (Latin)
32. Ne paniku (Esperanto)
33. Non affolla vos (Interlingua)
34. Ontday anicpay (Pig Latin)
35. Dubon't Pubanubic (Pig Greek)
36. yIlImQo' (Klingon)
37. No tinguis por (Catalan)
38. ko na xalni (lojban)
39. bu yao huang (Chinese)
40. mai' gyaa (Taiwanese)

Kelly said...

Thanks for calling...

:-)'s & ((((ILTV)))).

I, like the view said...

thanks kelly

shot I really really like number 17

zigz thanks darling XXX

steg let's hope so, eh? (-:

it doesn't mel, but it is progress; hope you had a good wednesday and hugs for your thursday fuzzies

gordie (-:

dave about time, huh

Mel said...

Stop being so hard on yourself, maybe?

That center will balance (it already is doing this yaknow) and the panic will become less intrusive and invasive. Think of the person on a balance beam who's going the center of balance and that panic that hits while they're struggling to make sure they're staying on the beam--the balance comes, the panic goes.

You're doing just fine, really. Seems to me you're already working on the panic and maybe just aren't recognizing it yet?

<--just an observation from wayyyyyyy over here

(((((((( ILTV ))))))))))

*waving at kelly!!*

Mel said...

<--likes how Wednesday shaped up with an early departure from the worksite.

<--doesn't like how Thursday's early start with a bazillion meetings is lookin'....

<--knows enough to change how she's lookin' at it and to give whatever gets plopped down in front of her THE best shot she can

<--knows she's got himself puttering around the kitchen lookin' to prepare dinner and how glad she is to be let off the hook from that task! LOL

(NO one oughta haffta suffer through Mel's idea of a zapped cauliflower dinner, eh?) ;-)

Gordie said...

Yes, do as Ziggi and Ms. Mel suggested, but also, if you are going to be hard on yourself, try to be as hard as you deserve, but not any harder...

You can find that sense of proportion and perspective that your mother never found. (You are an artist, and are good at these things.)

Mig said...

TTT sounds like another good resource. And it must be a relief not to have to deal with the disasters the useless nanny left behind.
Bad days. The good thing is, you can see them as that, bad days in between runs of better days. As long as you can remember that better days follow they might not be so bad when they come. And then perhaps the dread will be less.

Big big hugs.

(Oh and I'm rather enjoying the thought of *Mel's idea of a zapped cauliflower dinner* :)

katherine. said...

catching up...

one of the cool things about the internet is that with us all over the world, no matter what time you want to of us is probably online somewhere...