dom dum dom dum dom dum dom dum

just when you thought it was safe

to go back into the water

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do you remember that children's party game where lots of everyday items are placed on a tray and then the whole lot covered with a cloth. . . then one item is removed and the tray unveiled and you have to remember which item has gone?
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I was never any good at games like that
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which is odd, because - as an adult - I have a very good visual memory
.

I think it's something to do with having retrained my brain when I worked commissioning graphic design - I learned to use a visual part of my head that did not rely on words

was I having trouble with lists, perhaps
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also odd, when I think about it, because the part of my head that learns lists of words has always been reasonably reliable - French vocab, declining Latin verbs, song lyrics, quoting Shakespeare (was never very good with lists of dates in history, but was always able to remember every phone number under the sun - so numbers are there with words) (was quite good at the end of The Generation Game when all those things would go past on the moving belt) (Mel, honey, you have to ask The Brit)
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so, all things considered, it must have been something to do with visual memory of a tray of items and then being put on the spot and having to have instant recall. . . perhaps it was party nerves? I do know now that the three girls at whose home we used to play that specific game at parties (the Brown girls, I have mentioned them before, in relation to VW vans) all had photographic memories. . . so perhaps Mrs Brown was just being ultra nice to her girls, playing games they could win, and I really needn't have been worried for the past 35 years about not being to play that stupid tray game
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anyhow, the Brown girls were useless at the chocolate game (you know, a dice is passed around and everyone has a turn rolling it and if you roll a six you have to you dress up in hats and gloves and eat chocolate bars with a knife and fork until the next person throws a six)
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and Jaws? after my brief respite of sanity, shedloads of nonsense going on this morning, chez moi. . . but - surprisingly - I seem to be holding up
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perhaps it is safe to go back in the water, after all?

so The Teen was listening to

this

and it made me think of this. . .

"I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain"

it's not raining (not right now, anyhow)

I'm not singing (not this anyway) (I'm still humming Desperado)

but

I am slightly happier than I've been for a while. . .

. . .I'm not "happy", per se, it's just that I'm not depressed so much these days - I don't know if that makes sense; it doesn't have to really, I know what I mean; I still cry at the slightest thing, like I'm skating on very thin ice and it cracks and the tears well thru; I'm still very worried about the future, about this year, about next week, about tomorrow, about how I'll cope, how I'll get thru, where help will come from when I need it - but the worry doesn't overwhelm me quite as much as it did a while ago; it's a relief not to feel the crippling panic and anxiety that was at my very core for so very long; it's a relief to realise I can live without having to do the things that stress me out; it's a relief not to feel guilty about all the things I just cannot do right now; there are people I can't speak to, there are things I can't talk about, and I'm not worrying myself about my limitations right now; there are people (not many, but there are people) I can speak to who are happy to speak to me, and there are things I can say, and I'm not worrying about tying myself up in knots over it; it's just a relief
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not to feel so depressed
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and right now, I'm not bothered about happy
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because if the "being depressed" has gone away a little, the "being happy" might come back a little
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not right now, not tomorrow, not next week, not this year - but sometime in the future, right?

odd job

what do you think was in his tool box then?

I wish I had a tool box. . .

but at the moment, I don't. . .

. . .so I have someone here today doing all sorts of minor electrical and plumbing jobs that I have neither the tools nor the knowledge to complete myself

perhaps this is short sighted of me? perhaps I should have spent the money on DIY evening classes and some equipment. . .

but I figured that sometimes in life one has to take the easier option, when the short term solution will suffice rather than looking for a longer term outcome

I hope you're achieving something constructive today

or perhaps you're just taking it easy!

happy day, whichever

(-:

Q&A

1. What was the first car you drove (legally)? what do you mean "legally"!!! I don't do illegal. . . *exasperated sigh*; my brother's Mini; the second was an E-Type Jag (you didn't ask, but I had to brag!) 2. How many colours has your hair been? one. . .


3. Have you ever been fired? out of a cannon, yes; from a job, no (I have resigned three times, tho; and I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave when I was pregnant with The Teen)

4. What do you sing in the shower? I don't (I bathe) (in a bath)

5. If you could be any celebrity, who would you be? I wouldn't, I don't "do" celebrity; Meg Ryan can play me in the movie of my life (see 8. below), but she'll need to wear brown contacts. . .


6. Who was your favourite teacher and why? I have two. . . an English teacher (who used to give me A+s for my literature essays), and a chemistry teacher (because he wrote music to my lyrics and gave me a tape with this on it)
7. If you had a nickname, what is it, if not, what would you like it to be? I don't; pass

8. What would the title to the movie about your life be? "Only Time Will Tell" or "My Wasted Heart" (I'll get back to you on that one in a few years from now - I've recently been thinking that I've got a little more living to do now, before I kick the bucket)

9. If we say we are here to help others, then what are others here for? are others here! crikey - I thought I was all alone (retreats rapidly to comb hair and put on some lippie)

10. Who was your first crush? someone who I felt passionate about? David Soul in Starsky and Hutch, closely followed by a youngish Richard Gere and a very young Ryan O'Neil, Christophe Lambert, Jacqueline Bisset. . . I currently have a crush on Niles Crane, as you may know

(but he'd need to wax first)

11. Do you believe in karma? please define karma - is it sky blue pink? I'd like that!

12. What are the best and worst inventions, in your opinion? coffee machines and coffee machines that don't work. . . no, seriously - some kind of medical equipment probably, that can be transported by the Red Cross or Medecins Sans Frontiers and used to help people who have no access to hospitals

13. What is the worst physical injury youʼve ever had? (does a broken heart count?) I've never really been injured, (altho now I come to think about it, XCH once dropped a piece of wardrobe on me from out of an attic and I put my hand up to shield my head and the piece of wardrobe broke my wedding ring finger - I had to have the wedding ring sawn off in A&E, but fortunately not my finger) but I did have a terrible infection (in my foot) a few years ago, which ended up with an emergency admission to A&E in the middle of the night where I was put on a heart monitor and then had intravenous penicillin pumped thru my veins for ten days until every vein had collapsed and the doctors couldn't get it into me anymore. . . they said it was the worst case of the infection in a foot they had ever seen and I was lucky not to have had the foot amputated

14. Who is your favourite Batman? I have a favourite Batman? *scratches head* oh! actually, I do! that guy who played Beetlejuice in Tim Burton's film of the same name

15. What is your very earliest memory? my father serving me a plate of cold peas for dinner, that I had not managed to eat at lunchtime

16. Is there any animal/creature that creeps you out? maggots

"what's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? finding half a maggot in your apple!"

17. Which is the place that youʼve never been that you'd most like to visit? anywhere with a beautiful beach where I can go shell collecting and then take the shells home without feeling guilty about it

18. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? someone from Swallows and Amazons. . .

. . .failing that, an artist

POST SCRIPT:
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now I've thought a little bit longer about this (the above was sort of spontaneous), I realise that I have also always liked the idea of living by the water, creating art, growing my own food, swapping a glut with someone else's - not so much a childhood dream, but one that came to me after five years of working in The City and putting up with all sorts of office politics bollocks and early mornings and late nights and long hours and and and and then two years living in Shropshire growing vegetables and learning how to card fleece and spin and dye my own yarn (can't remember if I ever shared this with you?). . . I love the work of Richard Long and Andy Goldsworthy, so perhaps I could combine those types of artist "being", with the gardening and self-sufficiency skills of Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall, and a small (but warm) shack with a view of the sea and easy access to a beach: I'll be a crofter! (Malc is currently guffawing in the background)