further tales from a mad house

yesterday I was feeling very slightly better! a little more chipper! a little less sad! TGD was very pleased with my progress and confirmed no more ECT but a raise in the experimental drug that he prescribed this Saturday, which finally kicked in big-time on Sunday (too late for Saturday's latest death quest of major wrist slashing in the bath, which followed a "pep-talk" from one of the nursing staff and XCH visiting to confirm we will not ever be living together as a "family" again)(the latter circumstance TGD described as my "nuclear family fantasy", but which I had thought of as a normal desire for two good friends who still love each other and spend most weekends together and happen to be parents of the three same children and had hoped would be the result of time apart from each other, after 15 years of living together and 21 years of friendship) (ho hum) (ho hum regards my "hope" being a "fantasy") to drag me up from the depths and dregs of my current misery (which TGD says is illness) to a level reaching an almost bearable sadness
.
and then last night, a little like last Tuesday, when the fragility of my circumstances struck me, everything came crashing down again
.
a new admission (this place takes in depressives, like me, and also addicts and alcoholics) who was drunk beyond belief but still somehow able to stand, stared at me across the nurses' station as I waited for my evening cocktail. . . I didn't mean to look back, and certainly not catch her eye, but unfortunately I must have glanced in her general direction. . .
.
"look at me
once more
you CUNT

and I'll come over there
and SMASH YOUR
FUCKING FACE IN"
.
"charming"
would have been my more normal response, but I am not able to manage charm right now
.
I'm sorry to say, dear reader, that I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably and was unable to return to my room (which was right next door to the above mentioned good woman's) so spent the night in a pokey, but safe and well out of harm's way, cupboard
.
this morning I was too scared to go to the dining hall for breakfast (a bit of a shame as I had just started accumulating extra brownie points from TGD for doing sociable/normal things like going to the dining hall to eat, instead of cowering in my room and having food brought to me) so I thought I'd make some toast and a cuppa in the ward kitchenette, having made sure that the above mentioned good woman was nowhere in the vicinity. . .
.
. . .who should I bump into at the kettle, but FF; now he'd already given me a huge hug (one of those ones you guys describe as squeezing the breath out of one's lung's) yesterday, as he was upset for me for the reason for Saturday's A&E trip; this morning he made me toasted baguette and even buttered it! what a sweetie
.
I think he is well enough to leave soon, and I will miss him - he's the only "normal" person in here

17 comments:

Dave said...

Oh Lord. I know there's nothing worthwhile I can say, but want you to know that I am reading and praying for you, for what that's worth.

I, like the view, still said...

that is a very worthwhile thing to say/write to me right now, dear dave

and I thank you for it, from the bottom of my heart

X

Mel said...

I'm ever so glad you're safe this morning. Above all--safe and well.
But first things first. Safe!

FF did us all a favor with the hug and the buttered baguette. I mighta went for some jam too...but he done good!

Yaknow.... I don't know that I oughta admit this--but I'm gonna.... When I read what the drunk woman popped off with I immediately decided I'd personally like to smash her face in.
Now, mind you--I know that's AS wrong as what she popped off with.
Drunks say the stupidest things cuz they're convinced it's ALL about them.

*sigh*

Let other people care about ya.
I mean, they're gonna whether you say they can or not, yaknow! We ain't goin' nowhere....

(((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))

*hugs prayers and peacefilled thoughts*

Gordie said...

I wish mel had been there! But she's right, smacking seven bells out of drunkwoman would've been the wrong thing to do.

Since this began a tale of yet more death quests, I feel quite uplifted to read that, when you were faced with someone who wanted to harm you, your response was very natural: fear, self - preservation, and allowing someone you trusted to comfort you. You are finding your way back to the path.

mig bardsley said...

What Mel said :) So so glad you're well and safe. And very glad the new drug is doing better for you.

As for the scary woman, I'm afraid I would have fled with you to a safe place! Not at all good at confrontational stuff, me. I'd have been right along with you, scared and upset and still anxious the next morning. And I'm so glad FF was there for you.

All I can do is send love, I do, and hugs, (((((( I )))))) and earnest wishes for successful dragging up.
xxx

I, like the view, still said...

mel this idea of safety is an interesting one, TGD always asks if I feel "safe". . .

I'm so glad you are with me dearheart, so glad

:-)

altho it can't be much fun

:-(

gordie thank you for writing exactly that - it is a degree of normality, huh; I guess for where I am right now, on "the path" as you put it, I can see that yesterday's abuse was about her (where she's at) and nothing personal to me (she might have well have said it to anyone) - but that I am still very scared and extremely frightened and utterly vulnerable and still able to experience being petrified, in my own way, for myself and that bears no reflection on anyone else. . .

I don't think I've explained that very well

but the pertinence of your point was my reaction was of self preservation, and that does have to be a good thing, in the bigger scheme, eh

bit of a difference from last Saturday afternoon and Tuesday evening

thank you for taking the time to think about that and point it out

mig thank you lovely lovely you for your seemingly never ending good wishes; thank you


can I just say to you, and dave too, that. . .

. . .you guys have no possible idea how much this means to me - that you check in, take the time to write me a few words of care and appreciation, reflecting on what I have written

this is friendship, isn't it? I am blessed that you are my friends

blesssed

XXX

Kelly said...

Dear ILTV, please find enclosed one warm, cosy blanket from all blogging friends, wrap yourself in it and feel the warmth of our love and prayers, keeping you safe wherever you are.

Anonymous G said...

Can you feel it? Can you feel the love from all of your wonderful friends?

I love the virtual coz warm blanket...

I'm sorry that (obviously distressed) woman came in and ruined your very slightly better, little less sad evening.

We're new friends, so I hope it's not too soon to offer you a comforting (((((ILTV))))) hug.
But here's one anyway! ((((ILTV))))

:-)

Anonymous G said...

here's the Y that i left off of cozY.

Y

(I only pretend that I can type)

Vicus Scurra said...

Need any more friends? I could give you a virtual hug, but I probably have virtual body odour and virtual halitosis. If that doesn't bother you, consider yourself hugged, in a purely avuncular way, of course.

Rimshot said...

Yes, yes...paths and hugs...but tell me more about this buttery toasted baquette! Was it unsalted butter? Did you get your cuppa as well?

KAZ said...

*Waves from Spain*

Hope the chipper comes back very soon.
XXX

I, like the view, still said...

KAZ *waves* (hope you have warm Mediterranean ones. . .)

XX

shot it was whatever was in the little foil wrappered square at the bottom of the fridge; when someone like FF makes you an anything, you don't quibble over the butter (well, I don't!)(not that I'm star struck - cos he's only an ordinary bloke, like the rest of us)(well, obviously I'm not a bloke, but you know what I mean) and the delight this morning was that the Tetley tea-bags had been suplimented by Twining's English Breakfast tea-bags (which almost makes up for the poison coffee)(but not quite)

:-)


vicus *passes the Blue Extra Chewing Gum* (that sorts the halitosis) *pegs nose* (that sorts the BO) - actually, do you know what? I'm only kidding! (and I'm not that rude anyhow)(really, I'm not - I know I'm as annoying as hell a lot of the time, not that you believe in hell anyhow, but I'm not rude)(not on purpose anyway)(oh g*d! am I rude not on purpose? YIKES)

if it's an avuncular hug, I'm not bothered by BO or bad breath. . . and right now I need all the hugs I can get: so I'll be coming back for more (but don't tell anyone, cos we don't want them getting ideas now, do we)

;-D

anon I don't even pretend anymore! and yes, I can feel it - gradually seeping into this huge hole inside of me. . .

thanking you kindly, very kindly (you've kind of gotten thrown in the deep end, I'm sorry about that - but I'm glad you have a good quality rubber ring on that's keeping you afloat!)

XX

kelly that is a beautiful thought, very beautiful - I used to make patchwork quilts, and knitted blankets - but I used to give them away as gifts

how wonderful to have one given to me, especially when I really need warmth and comfort

thank you

katherine. said...

I woulda held the woman for mel...

I too like the idea of a big warm cozy blanket...or a quilt..each square one of us...

maybe we could each send you a square...and you could piece it together....

Mel said...

Oh geeze......

Refer to the starfish story above, silly woman!

Loving, loveable and loved!

Simple!

(((((((( ILTV ))))))))))




Oh! An IDEA from Katherine!!!!!!!!
:-)

Steg said...

You know, my dear, it outrages my sensibilities that someone as bright, funny, warm and intelligent as your good self should be under the clouds that you currently are.
Never doubt that at any given moment there are people out here wishing with all their hearts that they could help you to drive them away.

Like Mel, I'm loving Katherine's idea of the virtual blanket. There's a picture for you - all our little virtual selves crocheting away!

If, for a night, your "warm, safe place" was a cupboard - what of it? Some of my very best friends are cupboards, I'll have you know.

*joins queue to provide supportive hug*

dinahmow said...

Gordie said it very well. But I'll still say "ditto" and that idea of a cozy snuggle-rug appeals.
I'm sorry for drunkwoman, but my thoughts go mostly to you.