two years ago I knew barely nothing of sorrow or hurt or desperation, tho I thought I did - I can remember New Year's Eve vividly, it was the evening that I realised perhaps my marriage was just having a long and drawn out down moment of the up and down moments that marriages have, as do many long relationships, from which there would still be a recovery; I can remember the next day, quite happily doing the washing up, in The Big House, in The Village, and then noticing something that he wanted me to notice and my stomach lurching; a few months later my best friend told me that he loved me and I thought that that was what everything that had happened to me - that I had had happen, for I am responsible for my part - had been about all along and that it would all sort itself out in the fullness of time; and then he left and my world fell apart and I realised that I wasn't angry anymore; that when he went, somehow the anger went with him - but try as I might to sort it all out, his going was for ever; and then I tried so hard to tell him not to leave, that the grass wasn't greener, not to make the mistakes I made, not to cause or suffer from similar sorrows, but he didn't listen until it was too late, and even then he didn't listen to me; people learn their own lessons, don't they; you can't teach other people the things you learnt the hard way, can you; I know you might be *nodding* now, thinking that one day I will learn for myself the things you would teach me if you could; I'm so fed up with writing about how sad I am but if I don't say that my mind is a blank as I have nothing else to say or write about right now and I know I haven't for a long time, but it's all been so very overwhelming you see, and every single time I think that I'm just about starting to cope something else springs up and whacks me for six and there I am again sobbing; and it's not that I feel sorry for myself, because I don't - I did what I did and I know now things that I didn't know then and other people made their own choices along the way and there are things I will never understand and perhaps that is for the better; or perhaps it is not
I just want 2 know when I'm going 2 cheer up

11 comments:

Rimshot said...

I'm thinking perhaps tomorrow... or maybe the day after.

Yes, that's what I'm thinking.

moreidlethoughts said...

I don't know the answer to that one. But Mr. Rimshot has a good thought.
Happier New Year to you anyway,Jax!

Mel said...

I started my morning with the kiddos talking about building on a solid foundation, elsewise anything you build on it--falls apart.

Tell the truth all the time.
Wax on wax off.

Why do I say this at 11pm at night?
Dunno....other than I think about a bit further on the conversation we talked about the two walls we place on that foundation being 'acceptance' and 'trusting G-d's plan is for the higher good' even if I don't see or feel it at that moment in time.
Simple truth is, I ain't G-d.

So I tell the truth all the time.
I accept that 'it is what it is' and that really, there's a higher good in there that I get to go searching for.

Nah...it's not just good PR for the Big Guy.
I know I have a limited view, today. I can look backwards to see things that were horridly difficult and painful and feel NO pain over them today--and had anyone told me they'd lose their 'power' in my life then, I'd called them a liar.

I'm glad you told the truth here. No matter how much I carry on about the truths about Mel's life--it's necessary that those things get out of my head and put out there for me and another person to see/hear. Dunno why--I just know it is for me. It might not change the first, second or seventyfirst time I say it--but miraculously, it can suddenly be different that 132 time I say it.....and I awaken to the fact that I really am healing something in the process.

Dunno if it'll be the 71st or the 132nd time for you.....it is what it is, today--it'll happen when it happens, yaknow? I'll trust there's a higher good in all this cuz I have such limited vision.
In the meantime, it's that honesty about where you're really at emotionally coupled with that acceptance that it's just where it is today that'll bring you to something becoming different.

And the faith.....
And no worries--if you're lacking in that department, there are folks around you who'll hang on to that faith for you.

Mel said...

Soooooooo.... That discertation being done--

*nodding*

Tomorrow---or the day after that maybe.

(cuz I do have faith...)

Dave said...

I do so hope that the new year will be happier than the last; build on that.

Steg said...

One day at a time, hon. One day at a time.

Happy New Year, sweetheart. Who knows what 2009 holds for us?

Gordie said...

Wow... is it two years? I'm a little short of provrbs, but "everybody got to be somewhere" (Eccles, The Goon Show) so "be here now" (all that Ringo Starr remembered from the Maharishi)

zIggI said...

oh the sheer and utter exhaustion of being misrable is worse than being miserable isn't it?! I do know how you feel and I feel for you Sweetie.
But, believe it will get better, it really will; and you're right, we can't learn by others' mistakes and they can't learn from ours, much as we would like it to be so.
So onwards and upwards, doesn't matter the speed, 2009 WILL BE BETTER!
Love to you Hon.
xxx

zIggI said...

You can trust me, I'm a witch Doctor!

Mel said...

((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))

And loads of peacefilled, warm thoughts......

<-- has plans to eat a giant candy cane this evening

I used to do that as a kiddo, onceuponatime on New Years Eve.....

katherine. said...

{{{{{ILTV}}}}}}

have nothing to add that hasn't been said...just wanting to send you warm hugs.