altho aspects of being here are ok-ish, bearable, bring a smile to my face on occasion (the view, for example) I'm longing to be back living somewhere real
my home, possibly (by which I mean the house where the children are)
it's not as simple as putting one's hat down when one walks thru the door tho, is it, making a home out of a house. . .
. . . as well as my hat collection, every"thing" else of mine is there - some "things" still in as yet unpacked boxes, true. . .
. . .but I have no real association with the bricks and mortar and the space they contain; of course, my children exist in that space, and their presence, their beings, their being there, are the most homely associations for me
sometimes when I'm sitting with the children I think that when I am allowed back into that house I will never leave it - so, in those instances, I know it will become my home
I was born in 1964: "at home"; moved for the first time in 1969, then 1971, 1972 and 1975; lived "away from home" in 1982, 1983, 1986; made a new home for myself in 1987; bought my first property in 1990; XCH moved in with me in 1991 and we married in 1992 and then we bought a new home in 1993; we then moved in 1994, 1996, 1997 (three times), 2004; we sold-up and separated in 2007, both rented for a year, this spring I bought the house and for the last couple of months, as you know, I've found myself living in XCH's rented apartment. . .
that's a lot of sorting, packing, unpacking, painting and decorating, settling in, feeling grounded only for more upheaval all over again, isn't it? no wonder I'm so tired
there is still a lot to do at the house
a couple of weeks ago I had a new boiler fitted (the old one had broken, but nobody had noticed, as an electric immersion had been heating the water for the last three months - I'm dreading the electricity bill); the light fittings are in desperate need of an electrician to sort them out and make them work (I've tried changing the bulbs, but it makes no difference); there are patches of damp and rotting wood that need attending to; drips and leaks, when it rains, that need plugging; acres of wall need a lick of paint; shelves need to be put up, pictures hung, clutter put away, boxes unpacked. . .
I'm going to be exhausted!
but all of that will be better than living here