here is a b♥x, a ♫♪ musical ♪♫ b♥x: hard, hurting, horrible, horrendous

it is a very very difficult day today

yesterday XCH and (his) Spinster Sister (his perfect companion) and Middle One (my beautiful, lovely, gorgeous, delightful twelve year old boy) went off on some hols

a small hotel on the beach in Cape Town and then on safari in the Kruga (sp?) National Park

I was happy for them - XCH and SS are great siblings and enjoy each other's company, SS will remember to put suntan lotion on MO and get him to clean his teeth and wash, they all will have an exciting time, MO loves animals. . .

it was confusing

I was so sad to say goodbye; I sobbed (not in anyone's presence); I took anti-anxiety tablets; I felt terrible anyhow; The Teen went out with his mates leaving Smallest Person and I cuddled up together on the sofa watching reruns of Fraiser

she was very very quiet (which is not a good sign)

I didn't have the energy to make supper, so made her some toast with chocolate spread and some hot chocolate and I ate something myself but I can't remember quite what; she told me a bedtime story and then read me one too; I'm sure this isn't supposed to happen - she's only ten: surely I ought to be looking after her. . .

it reminds me of the story of Prometheus, I think it was he, having his liver pecked out day after day after day; it hurts so much

not being a family

I can't even remember how I felt this time last year when it was I who wanted to break up but I can't believe it was a bad as this

did I say I was confused?

I so utterly believed this autumn that we would all get back together again and by now would be getting ready to move back into one house and be a family again; but XCH has chosen for that not to happen - and I accept his choice

but it hurts over and over and over it hurts and the weekends are always absolutely shit shit shit and Friday nights always make my head spin in the most horrendous manner, but yesterday was unbelievably awful - worse than last summer (when there was still hope) worse than xmas (when I just knew I couldn't cope anymore and tried to end it all, but failed miserably)

does the pain ever lessen? does it ever end? how does one move on? what fills the holes? what can I do? I feel as hopeless and as helpless as I did at xmas, only now I'm drugged up to the eyeballs I do understand I have no option but to continue

and that means feeling as I do now

rather than feeling nothing

love after love

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

DEREK WALCOTT

feeling kinky?

Thank you for the days, those endless days, those sacred days you gave me. I’m thinking of the days - I won’t forget a single day, believe me. I bless the light, I bless the light that lights on you, believe me. And though you’re gone, you’re with me every single day, believe me. Days. I remember all my life. Days when you can’t see wrong from right. You took my life but then I knew that very soon you’d leave me. But it’s alright. Now I’m not frightened of this world believe me. I wish today could be tomorrow, the night is long it just brings sorrow, let it wait. And though you’re gone, you’re with me every single day - believe me.

Every single day. Believe me.

Henry W Longfellow

The rocky ledge runs far into the sea, and on its outer point, some miles away, the lighthouse lifts its massive masonry, A pillar of fire by night, of cloud by day. Even at this distance I can see the tides, Upheaving, break unheard along its base, A speechless wrath, that rises and subsides in the white tip and tremour of the face. And as the evening darkens, lo! how bright, through the deep purple of the twilight air, Beams forth the sudden radiance of its light, with strange, unearhly splendour in the glare! No one alone: from each projecting cape And perilous reef along the ocean's verge, Starts into life a dim, gigantic shape, Holding its lantern o'er the restless surge... The sea-bird wheeling round it, with the din of wings and winds and solitary cries, Blinded and maddened by the light within, Dashes himself against the glare, and dies. A new Prometheus, chained upon the rock, Still grasping in his hand the fire of love, it does not hear the cry, nor heed the shock, but hails the mariner with words of love. "Sail on!" it says: "Sail on, ye stately ships! And with your floating bridge the ocean span; Be mine to guard this light from all eclipse. Be yours to bring man neared unto man."

it's all right

Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right.
Little darling, it's been
a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like
years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun
and I say it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles
returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like
years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun
and I say it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that
ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like
years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right.
It's all right.

THE BEATLES

true minds

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken; it is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come: love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

what would YOU do?

What would do think
if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up
and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears
and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

What do I do when my love is away? (Does it worry you to be alone?) How do I feel by the end of the day? (Are you sad because you're on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends, Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends, Mmm, I'm gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight? Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time. What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.

Oh... I get by
with a little help from my friends,
I'm gonna try
with a little help from my friends
I get high
with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by
with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends...

7 comments:

Anonymous said...: I can't even imagine the emotions you're experiencing as I've never been in your situation.

I do believe that one gets used to 'it', and 'it' becomes less noticeable in the quiet times.

I know it's a poor substitute, but we lot simply adore you and feel nothing but hopefulness and helpfulness for you in your troubles.

Erm... long story short...
{{{{{{{{{{{{I,S,LTV}}}}}}}}}}}}}; 17:46
I, Like The View said...: (((shot))); 18:05
Anonymous said...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuxS-9t3tnY; 18:31
Z said...: I remember how I felt when my oldest two went away, one to Australia and one to New Zealand. It felt like a bereavement. It can't be anything like your pain and I'm so sorry.; 23:30
mig bardsley said...: Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
What to say. ((((((((I))))))))) of course.
and I too, believe it will get less desperately painful.
And eventually you will find something growing in the empty spaces and one day you'll suddenly think "oh it hurts - but not so much". And then another day you'll think "actually I haven't noticed the pain for a while".
And at the very least, you know we all care about you and are wishing for you to feel better.
xxx; 23:46
Gordie said...: This is being a family. Spread out in time and space, and following separate paths, but still connected by love. And you always will be. Always.; 01:02
Mel said...: I recognize the pain--it's one I felt, in my desperate moments to hang on to what was, believing, because of my experience, that's how it was suppose to be....and less than it was 'suppose to be' was a failure (in my eyes at that given moment in time.)

I was forced to act as if--get past how it all felt and do the very best of what was in front of me....start new traditions, begin new paths that tied the scattered together.
We were no less a 'family'--Gordie's right (again, bless his soul....). Them there, me here--eventually them here...no matter when the feet, it's the heart that ties.

(((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))

My heart hurts for you, cuz I had to accept and move forward....and it's the painful process of letting go of what you always believed was suppose to BE.

(((((((( ILTV )))))))))))

Really--we were and remain a family.
Even with the circumstances, today.

*HUGE hugs*

Sleep with angels....; 03:05

here is a b♥x, a ♫♪ musical ♪♫ b♥x

hard, hurting, horrible, horrendous

7 comments:

THE WISEST WORDS

while you're here, please feel free to feed my fish!

oh, what a day!

happy blogging with iltv

girls and boys come out to play, go on - you know you want to. . .

circle of clues camper

what a to do. . .

festivities on a friday:

get the feeling!

a fruitful friday

. . .and for mel

(I'm growing vegetables!)

frets but no regrets

guiseppe ungaretti

word?

does santa need a helper?

join in the festive fun @

jingle shells

so who's up for an advent calendar. . .

forgetfulness. . .

if you could travel within you own life time and that of a loved one, as a casual observer, nothing more or less, on the unerstanding this would mean that you could not change the course of your life or theirs in anyway, would you wish to experience that?

how old are you?

THE RICHES OF A RAINBOW?

HEY! I have a glass. . .

YOU CALLED?

some sauce. . .

a true friend gave me this

like a clock whose hands are spinning

the love hearts never lie, but did they tell the truth?

"hitched to everything else"

need to borrow this?

rock paper scissors?

can you keep a secret. . .

with love from france

there has been a request for "it all"

when push comes to shove, courtesy of Rascal Flatts

j is for jack-o-lantern

guess what the tide washed up? ME!!

a bientot cheri(e)s

ILTV is shortly to go on her hols. . . should she:

holes

the time has come. . .

love after love

I could have danced

feeling kinky?

god only knows

ILTV wonders whether (or not) to 'av' a change of avatar

is it better or worse to be

tied up?

tied together?

tied down?

if u know who they r. . .

thank you, mig

I'm knackered & in need of a break - where shall I go

busy busy busy

Koyaanisqatsi

this Thursday: you are cordially invited to a fancy dress party - rsvp!

language. . .

i like the view!

and I love typography

my best ever read

blind date

blind date - update: anything you want to know?

you have unpicked the stitches I so carefully placed around my heart

it's my blog but. . .

a life in only six words

paper scissors stone

fancy a game. . .

Henry W Longfellow

having saved myself ££££s on the curtains, what should I now spend the money on:

fancy a new poll/quiz?

something random. . .

with thanks to mig :)

it's all right

the cat's mother

money, money, money

true minds