it is a very very difficult day today
yesterday XCH and (his) Spinster Sister (his perfect companion) and Middle One (my beautiful, lovely, gorgeous, delightful twelve year old boy) went off on some hols
a small hotel on the beach in Cape Town and then on safari in the Kruga (sp?) National Park
I was happy for them - XCH and SS are great siblings and enjoy each other's company, SS will remember to put suntan lotion on MO and get him to clean his teeth and wash, they all will have an exciting time, MO loves animals. . .
it was confusing
I was so sad to say goodbye; I sobbed (not in anyone's presence); I took anti-anxiety tablets; I felt terrible anyhow; The Teen went out with his mates leaving Smallest Person and I cuddled up together on the sofa watching reruns of Fraiser
she was very very quiet (which is not a good sign)
I didn't have the energy to make supper, so made her some toast with chocolate spread and some hot chocolate and I ate something myself but I can't remember quite what; she told me a bedtime story and then read me one too; I'm sure this isn't supposed to happen - she's only ten: surely I ought to be looking after her. . .
it reminds me of the story of Prometheus, I think it was he, having his liver pecked out day after day after day; it hurts so much
not being a family
I can't even remember how I felt this time last year when it was I who wanted to break up but I can't believe it was a bad as this
did I say I was confused?
I so utterly believed this autumn that we would all get back together again and by now would be getting ready to move back into one house and be a family again; but XCH has chosen for that not to happen - and I accept his choice
but it hurts over and over and over it hurts and the weekends are always absolutely shit shit shit and Friday nights always make my head spin in the most horrendous manner, but yesterday was unbelievably awful - worse than last summer (when there was still hope) worse than xmas (when I just knew I couldn't cope anymore and tried to end it all, but failed miserably)
does the pain ever lessen? does it ever end? how does one move on? what fills the holes? what can I do? I feel as hopeless and as helpless as I did at xmas, only now I'm drugged up to the eyeballs I do understand I have no option but to continue
and that means feeling as I do now
rather than feeling nothing