hard, hurting, horrible, horrendous

it is a very very difficult day today

yesterday XCH and (his) Spinster Sister (his perfect companion) and Middle One (my beautiful, lovely, gorgeous, delightful twelve year old boy) went off on some hols

a small hotel on the beach in Cape Town and then on safari in the Kruga (sp?) National Park

I was happy for them - XCH and SS are great siblings and enjoy each other's company, SS will remember to put suntan lotion on MO and get him to clean his teeth and wash, they all will have an exciting time, MO loves animals. . .

it was confusing

I was so sad to say goodbye; I sobbed (not in anyone's presence); I took anti-anxiety tablets; I felt terrible anyhow; The Teen went out with his mates leaving Smallest Person and I cuddled up together on the sofa watching reruns of Fraiser

she was very very quiet (which is not a good sign)

I didn't have the energy to make supper, so made her some toast with chocolate spread and some hot chocolate and I ate something myself but I can't remember quite what; she told me a bedtime story and then read me one too; I'm sure this isn't supposed to happen - she's only ten: surely I ought to be looking after her. . .

it reminds me of the story of Prometheus, I think it was he, having his liver pecked out day after day after day; it hurts so much

not being a family

I can't even remember how I felt this time last year when it was I who wanted to break up but I can't believe it was a bad as this

did I say I was confused?

I so utterly believed this autumn that we would all get back together again and by now would be getting ready to move back into one house and be a family again; but XCH has chosen for that not to happen - and I accept his choice

but it hurts over and over and over it hurts and the weekends are always absolutely shit shit shit and Friday nights always make my head spin in the most horrendous manner, but yesterday was unbelievably awful - worse than last summer (when there was still hope) worse than xmas (when I just knew I couldn't cope anymore and tried to end it all, but failed miserably)

does the pain ever lessen? does it ever end? how does one move on? what fills the holes? what can I do? I feel as hopeless and as helpless as I did at xmas, only now I'm drugged up to the eyeballs I do understand I have no option but to continue

and that means feeling as I do now

rather than feeling nothing

7 comments:

Rimshot said...

I can't even imagine the emotions you're experiencing as I've never been in your situation.

I do believe that one gets used to 'it', and 'it' becomes less noticeable in the quiet times.

I know it's a poor substitute, but we lot simply adore you and feel nothing but hopefulness and helpfulness for you in your troubles.

Erm... long story short...
{{{{{{{{{{{{I,S,LTV}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I, still, like the views said...

(((shot)))

Rimshot said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuxS-9t3tnY

Z said...

I remember how I felt when my oldest two went away, one to Australia and one to New Zealand. It felt like a bereavement. It can't be anything like your pain and I'm so sorry.

mig bardsley said...

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
What to say. ((((((((I))))))))) of course.
and I too, believe it will get less desperately painful.
And eventually you will find something growing in the empty spaces and one day you'll suddenly think "oh it hurts - but not so much". And then another day you'll think "actually I haven't noticed the pain for a while".
And at the very least, you know we all care about you and are wishing for you to feel better.
xxx

Gordie said...

This is being a family. Spread out in time and space, and following separate paths, but still connected by love. And you always will be. Always.

Mel said...

I recognize the pain--it's one I felt, in my desperate moments to hang on to what was, believing, because of my experience, that's how it was suppose to be....and less than it was 'suppose to be' was a failure (in my eyes at that given moment in time.)

I was forced to act as if--get past how it all felt and do the very best of what was in front of me....start new traditions, begin new paths that tied the scattered together.
We were no less a 'family'--Gordie's right (again, bless his soul....). Them there, me here--eventually them here...no matter when the feet, it's the heart that ties.

(((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))

My heart hurts for you, cuz I had to accept and move forward....and it's the painful process of letting go of what you always believed was suppose to BE.

(((((((( ILTV )))))))))))

Really--we were and remain a family.
Even with the circumstances, today.

*HUGE hugs*

Sleep with angels....