love

.

actually

and I know some of your more educated types (vicus *coughs and splutters*) are far better educated than I, but I like this too (especially as used in The Witches of Eastwick - says it all really) (and I know I've said it before, but sometimes it's OK to repeat oneself)

I Like The View. . .
your subconscious mind is driven most by
Kindness

"This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level. It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.

"You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.

"Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them."
.

I had a little spare time, so I did this (didn't pay up tho!)

PS then I did the birth order one, and got almost completely the opposite results*:
.

"Similar to other middle children, you are probably very stable emotionally which makes people feel at ease around you. In addition, having older and younger siblings taught you how to appreciate diverse points of view. You have learned that the best way to resolve conflict is by remaining calm and open to compromise. Like other middle children, you tend to radiate warmth, affection and maturity. You are likely to display an extraordinary ability to remain composed even in stressful situations."
.

(*no surprise there then! phoney baloney tests!)

this time last year was only a day

but it was Friday the 13th - and I remember exactly what I wrote on Friday the 13th April last year

I remember the pictures I posted (my blog was black back then and I found pictures with black backgrounds so that the image stood out), I remember the tune for the day, I remember where I was and what I was doing, what was supposed to be happening and what wasn't supposed to be happening. . .

last night I actually chose to watch the tv - unusual for me, I don't often - but I'd seen a trailer for something on a channel I didn't even know existed and ended up watching this fascinating programme about Joe Jackson, called The Soundtrack to My Life, it is one of a series and I must remember to watch the others

he was being interviewed by who - for him - must have been the most irritating woman, but he remained calm and delightful throughout; he used words like "dignity, mysterious, tasty, intangible, ethereal, neurotic": a man after my own heart if ever there was one

words are so important, yesterday last year I remember using the word "stuff" and adding "it's such a great word, stuff", and it is - it could cover a multitude of sins. . .

but a word can't cover up your sins, can it

sometimes, despite Elton's protestations, sorry is the easiest word and yet makes up for nothing

and what is the nature of "sin" anyhow? this time last year, I didn't think I was - sinning - I was trying so hard to keep up, whilst everyone around me danced as hard as they could. . . and I was dancing: fast, slow, whatever rhythm was required

and then a different beat came into the mix

that of a heart

hearts have a lot to answer for, in the big scheme of things - as do heads, as I have found to my cost again recently - and every now and again, once in a lifetime perhaps, hearing the beat of a heart in someone else's chest can elicit a response from your own or cause you to realise that your own was beating to the same tune all along only you didn't realise (that's the head bit, the not realising)

I was just about to write: "it is a shame that the beating of a heart can cause. . ."

and I realised that is nonsense: a heart beats, and that is the end of it; it is the head which has a lot to answer for, it if chooses to do something - or not - about the beat (even if it is only offer an interpretation)

and Joe Jackson was trying to describe how some artists live on the edge of their insecurities and their paranoia about whether they will ever be able to write that next line, that next set of lyrics, that next melody, that next song, which will either catapult them back up the charts or bring them artistic solace (well, I added the last two phrases, but I'm sure that's what the good man intended to say) and that struck a chord with me

I've been living on the edge of insecurity and paranoia - wondering if my heart will ever beat again

and yesterday, bizarrely - and I was going to tell you this anyway - I had a very strange feeling somewhere high up in my chest (not anxiety, which I feel in the pit of my stomach) and I realised after a moment or two wondering what it was, that it was happiness

it was only fleeting and it faded,
but I felt it

I wasn't blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel, I think that's a long way off (either that, or I'm not in a tunnel at all and there is a set of light switches somewhere that I know nothing about) but it was curious to have this little feeling inside me

one I haven't felt for a long time

one I certainly wasn't feeling this time last year

and right now it has nothing to do with anyone else's heart

Spirit move me, every time I'm near you
Whirling like a cyclone in my mind
Sweet Melissa, angel of my life time,
Answer to all answers I can find
Baby I love you

Come, come, come into my arms
Let me know the wonder of all of you
Baby I want you, now, now, now and hold on fast
Could this be the magic at last

Lady take me high upon a hillside
High up where the stallion meets the sun
I could love you,build my world around you,
Never leave you till my life is done
Baby I love you

Come, come, come into my arms
Let me know the wonder of all of you
Baby I want you, now, now, oh now, oh now and hold on fast
Could this be the magic at last
Could it be magic
Could this be the magic at last?

.

BARRY MANILOW