here is a b♥x, a ♫♪ musical ♪♫ b♥x: confessional

no, not a new single by Madonna

a state of mind

my mind

(you have been warned)

currently I am pursuing five things (in no particular order) (should they be?):

rebuilding my relationship with my children a few days ago one of them woke in the morning on their birthday and I wasn't there for breakfast, tomorrow the same thing will happen again; I don't know if each child is as troubled by this as I am; I don't know how I rationalised the thought that this might happen to me eighteen months ago, if indeed it occurred to me at all
.
a healthy recovery tomorrow I am meeting - yet another - new Head Doctor (the fourth in two months) (so much for continuity, eh)
.
a balance between distracting myself from my litany of woes (and sorry to bore you with them, but you can always go read something somewhere else, can't you) (no! not you, the person sitting twiddling their thumbs at the back who occasionally doodles in the margins and shows up pretty regularly but never ever makes a contribution) and getting on with life
.
a friendship that I am not even sure will ever come to fruition but I would like it to - the ball is not in my court right now, but I'd quite like it to come flying back over the net (or indeed, from the other side of a ping-pong table)
.
a friendship that I am not even sure I "want", but someone else has asked it of me. . . so I'm experimenting - because I have the time right now, and communication with words and pictures doesn't cost a whole bundle (not that one should put a price on friendship, but perhaps you get my drift)
.
being a good friend to a friend who I think needs a friend right now. . . but I might be wrong (altho the wonderful gordie's advice earlier this evening was remarkably spot-on and has helped me sort out aspects of what is troubling me)
.

actually, that's probably more or less the right order. . . of course there is the bulk of the rest of my life as well, quietly simmering away in the background and sometimes surfacing here. . . well, "bulk" might be an over-exageration. . . even "rest of my life" might be pushing it. . . oh, I give up - you know what I mean!

love after love

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

DEREK WALCOTT

feeling kinky?

Thank you for the days, those endless days, those sacred days you gave me. I’m thinking of the days - I won’t forget a single day, believe me. I bless the light, I bless the light that lights on you, believe me. And though you’re gone, you’re with me every single day, believe me. Days. I remember all my life. Days when you can’t see wrong from right. You took my life but then I knew that very soon you’d leave me. But it’s alright. Now I’m not frightened of this world believe me. I wish today could be tomorrow, the night is long it just brings sorrow, let it wait. And though you’re gone, you’re with me every single day - believe me.

Every single day. Believe me.

Henry W Longfellow

The rocky ledge runs far into the sea, and on its outer point, some miles away, the lighthouse lifts its massive masonry, A pillar of fire by night, of cloud by day. Even at this distance I can see the tides, Upheaving, break unheard along its base, A speechless wrath, that rises and subsides in the white tip and tremour of the face. And as the evening darkens, lo! how bright, through the deep purple of the twilight air, Beams forth the sudden radiance of its light, with strange, unearhly splendour in the glare! No one alone: from each projecting cape And perilous reef along the ocean's verge, Starts into life a dim, gigantic shape, Holding its lantern o'er the restless surge... The sea-bird wheeling round it, with the din of wings and winds and solitary cries, Blinded and maddened by the light within, Dashes himself against the glare, and dies. A new Prometheus, chained upon the rock, Still grasping in his hand the fire of love, it does not hear the cry, nor heed the shock, but hails the mariner with words of love. "Sail on!" it says: "Sail on, ye stately ships! And with your floating bridge the ocean span; Be mine to guard this light from all eclipse. Be yours to bring man neared unto man."

it's all right

Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right.
Little darling, it's been
a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like
years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun
and I say it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles
returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like
years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun
and I say it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that
ice is slowly melting.
Little darling, it seems like
years since it's been clear.
Here comes the sun,
here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right.
It's all right.

THE BEATLES

true minds

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken; it is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come: love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

what would YOU do?

What would do think
if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up
and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears
and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

What do I do when my love is away? (Does it worry you to be alone?) How do I feel by the end of the day? (Are you sad because you're on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends, Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends, Mmm, I'm gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight? Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time. What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.

Oh... I get by
with a little help from my friends,
I'm gonna try
with a little help from my friends
I get high
with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by
with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends...

12 comments:

Sorrow said...: So how to you repair?
how do you make amends?
Do you start with yourself?
or the kids first?
what will they believe?
what can they understand?
Friends are a priceless thing, but they cost us a good bit...
how much are you willing to invest...
((WOW! am I in a mood or what??))
Sorry...This just made me really really think....

O~ and maybe your lurkers would come out if the crazy word verifications didn't all bleed together so as you had to try 3 times to send a bloody comment!
grrrrrr; 21:24
I, Like The View said...: dear sweet sorrow, I have turned off the word ver

and now I will address your other points

XX; 21:27
Rimshot said...: I don't mean to be contrary, but I've found that being a friend costs next to nothing! It is only when one begins to place expectations on the friendship of others that the costs increase beyond negligible.

Also, one need never 'make amends' for that which is/was never really in one's control in the first place. If such conditions are put upon one, it seems to me that the relationship in question should be reevaluated and/or terminated as it is, by definition, unhealthy and toxic.

Doesn't 'love' mean never having to say you're sorry?; 23:31
Anonymous G said...: Have I been doodling in the margins?

Sometimes...

I find that I am mesmorized, moved, entertained, enlightened, confused and curious, saddened, amazed and ever so pleased that I've met you here..even though we hardly know each other.

And you know so little of me.

So, I'm not lurking when I'm not commenting. I'm just......thinking?

Yeah. thinking.

And sometimes I'm just tired.

But always, I care.

xo; 06:00
Romeo Morningwood said...: I had to focus on my children and others because I didn't really care about me and I was sick of myself and my wretched dark cloud.

I was fairly certain that my situation was irredeemable so I started by changing a few little things that were fairly easy so that I felt like I was atleast making some progress and wrote a list of short term and long term benchmarks...tried to keep them all fairly realistic and discussed them with a few good friends.

My idealised accelerant was the premise that I did NOT know how long those who mattered could stand being around myself in that self propelling state of disrepair.
Everybody else was still moving forward...

the best thing I did was finding semi-productive avenues to keep busy, busy, busy, and as far away as possible from being alone with me, myself and I and our awful negative thoughts.; 07:02
Greg said...: From my point of view...

Children are remarkably resilient creatures. I'm sure yours will understand that your illnes makes it impossible, at the moment, for you to do as much as you might like with them. Notice the "at the moment" there. That's very important.

Doctors have various specialities, sometimes with the line of differentiation between them only marked their own personalites. I'm sure when the mediacal profession finds one whose abilities match your needs, your progress will be remarkable.

Friendships. *sigh* At the moment there's one particular "friend" who makes my life lighter just by being in it. I believe that I do same by being in theirs. Everyone should have a such a person in their life. be careful though of acceding to what other people ask. In your current condition (I don't mean to sound pompous here, just trying to word things as I want them to come out - sorry!) you mustn't subsume your "wants" to please someone else. And now I'm not even sure that "subsume" is a word or if it is, whether it's the right one. Seems to fit, though. Hopefully you get my meaning despite my wording.

Have I mentioned how nice it is to have you back? :-)

*hugs*; 09:37
Gordie said...: Everything you say sounds good, even the balls. Everything you did, you did for a reason, and I believe you know yourself well enough now to understand what matters - even if you don't understand why or what to do.; 10:16
KAZ said...: I enjoyed your confessional and the replies from your web friends.
I've nothing to add - just hope the ping pong works out.; 16:45
Mel said...: Oh, you know me. I always have two cents to toss in.

And my two are going to look pretty close to Gordie's two.....

I think they sound like marvelous things to chase. All of them.
And I really do have faith in the process/journey.
Just as I have faith in you.

:-)
Yup. Two cents spent!; 23:37
Gordie said...: Have you disabled comments? I've read five posts this morning and this is the first letter box I've found.; 08:23
Mel said...: *sigh*

Kids are kids are kids.
They sound wonderfully normal.
Which is a good thing--even if it's aggitating some times and sad at others.

And I say--make her surprise fairy cakes....yup....
Any excuse is a good excuse for fairy cakes! :-); 12:12
Mel said...: (((((((( ILTV ))))))))))

<--is the someone who got your s.o.s. to the world

:-); 01:49

here is a b♥x, a ♫♪ musical ♪♫ b♥x

confessional

12 comments:

THE WISEST WORDS

while you're here, please feel free to feed my fish!

oh, what a day!

happy blogging with iltv

girls and boys come out to play, go on - you know you want to. . .

circle of clues camper

what a to do. . .

festivities on a friday:

get the feeling!

a fruitful friday

. . .and for mel

(I'm growing vegetables!)

frets but no regrets

guiseppe ungaretti

word?

does santa need a helper?

join in the festive fun @

jingle shells

so who's up for an advent calendar. . .

forgetfulness. . .

if you could travel within you own life time and that of a loved one, as a casual observer, nothing more or less, on the unerstanding this would mean that you could not change the course of your life or theirs in anyway, would you wish to experience that?

how old are you?

THE RICHES OF A RAINBOW?

HEY! I have a glass. . .

YOU CALLED?

some sauce. . .

a true friend gave me this

like a clock whose hands are spinning

the love hearts never lie, but did they tell the truth?

"hitched to everything else"

need to borrow this?

rock paper scissors?

can you keep a secret. . .

with love from france

there has been a request for "it all"

when push comes to shove, courtesy of Rascal Flatts

j is for jack-o-lantern

guess what the tide washed up? ME!!

a bientot cheri(e)s

ILTV is shortly to go on her hols. . . should she:

holes

the time has come. . .

love after love

I could have danced

feeling kinky?

god only knows

ILTV wonders whether (or not) to 'av' a change of avatar

is it better or worse to be

tied up?

tied together?

tied down?

if u know who they r. . .

thank you, mig

I'm knackered & in need of a break - where shall I go

busy busy busy

Koyaanisqatsi

this Thursday: you are cordially invited to a fancy dress party - rsvp!

language. . .

i like the view!

and I love typography

my best ever read

blind date

blind date - update: anything you want to know?

you have unpicked the stitches I so carefully placed around my heart

it's my blog but. . .

a life in only six words

paper scissors stone

fancy a game. . .

Henry W Longfellow

having saved myself ££££s on the curtains, what should I now spend the money on:

fancy a new poll/quiz?

something random. . .

with thanks to mig :)

it's all right

the cat's mother

money, money, money

true minds