no, not a new single by Madonna

a state of mind

my mind

(you have been warned)

currently I am pursuing five things (in no particular order) (should they be?):
  • rebuilding my relationship with my children a few days ago one of them woke in the morning on their birthday and I wasn't there for breakfast, tomorrow the same thing will happen again; I don't know if each child is as troubled by this as I am; I don't know how I rationalised the thought that this might happen to me eighteen months ago, if indeed it occurred to me at all
  • a healthy recovery tomorrow I am meeting - yet another - new Head Doctor (the fourth in two months) (so much for continuity, eh)
  • a balance between distracting myself from my litany of woes (and sorry to bore you with them, but you can always go read something somewhere else, can't you) (no! not you, the person sitting twiddling their thumbs at the back who occasionally doodles in the margins and shows up pretty regularly but never ever makes a contribution) and getting on with life
  • a friendship that I am not even sure will ever come to fruition but I would like it to - the ball is not in my court right now, but I'd quite like it to come flying back over the net (or indeed, from the other side of a ping-pong table)
  • a friendship that I am not even sure I "want", but someone else has asked it of me. . . so I'm experimenting - because I have the time right now, and communication with words and pictures doesn't cost a whole bundle (not that one should put a price on friendship, but perhaps you get my drift)
  • being a good friend to a friend who I think needs a friend right now. . . but I might be wrong (altho the wonderful gordie's advice earlier this evening was remarkably spot-on and has helped me sort out aspects of what is troubling me)
actually, that's probably more or less the right order. . . of course there is the bulk of the rest of my life as well, quietly simmering away in the background and sometimes surfacing here. . . well, "bulk" might be an over-exageration. . . even "rest of my life" might be pushing it. . . oh, I give up - you know what I mean!


Sorrow said...

So how to you repair?
how do you make amends?
Do you start with yourself?
or the kids first?
what will they believe?
what can they understand?
Friends are a priceless thing, but they cost us a good bit...
how much are you willing to invest...
((WOW! am I in a mood or what??))
Sorry...This just made me really really think....

O~ and maybe your lurkers would come out if the crazy word verifications didn't all bleed together so as you had to try 3 times to send a bloody comment!

I, like the view said...

dear sweet sorrow, I have turned off the word ver

and now I will address your other points


Rimshot said...

I don't mean to be contrary, but I've found that being a friend costs next to nothing! It is only when one begins to place expectations on the friendship of others that the costs increase beyond negligible.

Also, one need never 'make amends' for that which is/was never really in one's control in the first place. If such conditions are put upon one, it seems to me that the relationship in question should be reevaluated and/or terminated as it is, by definition, unhealthy and toxic.

Doesn't 'love' mean never having to say you're sorry?

Anonymous G said...

Have I been doodling in the margins?


I find that I am mesmorized, moved, entertained, enlightened, confused and curious, saddened, amazed and ever so pleased that I've met you here..even though we hardly know each other.

And you know so little of me.

So, I'm not lurking when I'm not commenting. I'm just......thinking?

Yeah. thinking.

And sometimes I'm just tired.

But always, I care.


Donnnnn said...

I had to focus on my children and others because I didn't really care about me and I was sick of myself and my wretched dark cloud.

I was fairly certain that my situation was irredeemable so I started by changing a few little things that were fairly easy so that I felt like I was atleast making some progress and wrote a list of short term and long term benchmarks...tried to keep them all fairly realistic and discussed them with a few good friends.

My idealised accelerant was the premise that I did NOT know how long those who mattered could stand being around myself in that self propelling state of disrepair.
Everybody else was still moving forward...

the best thing I did was finding semi-productive avenues to keep busy, busy, busy, and as far away as possible from being alone with me, myself and I and our awful negative thoughts.

Steg said...

From my point of view...

Children are remarkably resilient creatures. I'm sure yours will understand that your illnes makes it impossible, at the moment, for you to do as much as you might like with them. Notice the "at the moment" there. That's very important.

Doctors have various specialities, sometimes with the line of differentiation between them only marked their own personalites. I'm sure when the mediacal profession finds one whose abilities match your needs, your progress will be remarkable.

Friendships. *sigh* At the moment there's one particular "friend" who makes my life lighter just by being in it. I believe that I do same by being in theirs. Everyone should have a such a person in their life. be careful though of acceding to what other people ask. In your current condition (I don't mean to sound pompous here, just trying to word things as I want them to come out - sorry!) you mustn't subsume your "wants" to please someone else. And now I'm not even sure that "subsume" is a word or if it is, whether it's the right one. Seems to fit, though. Hopefully you get my meaning despite my wording.

Have I mentioned how nice it is to have you back? :-)


Gordie said...

Everything you say sounds good, even the balls. Everything you did, you did for a reason, and I believe you know yourself well enough now to understand what matters - even if you don't understand why or what to do.

KAZ said...

I enjoyed your confessional and the replies from your web friends.
I've nothing to add - just hope the ping pong works out.

Mel said...

Oh, you know me. I always have two cents to toss in.

And my two are going to look pretty close to Gordie's two.....

I think they sound like marvelous things to chase. All of them.
And I really do have faith in the process/journey.
Just as I have faith in you.

Yup. Two cents spent!

Gordie said...

Have you disabled comments? I've read five posts this morning and this is the first letter box I've found.

Mel said...


Kids are kids are kids.
They sound wonderfully normal.
Which is a good thing--even if it's aggitating some times and sad at others.

And I say--make her surprise fairy cakes....yup....
Any excuse is a good excuse for fairy cakes! :-)

Mel said...

(((((((( ILTV ))))))))))

<--is the someone who got your s.o.s. to the world