so I had my second session of "the procedure" yesterday (I can't quite bring myself to call it "treatment" right now. . . maybe all in good time, when having it means that things are being treated)
.
the first time, as you may recall, the starter dose did not elicit a seizure, so I was given a double dose and had a 33 second seizure (I am kinda wondering if people who suffer from epilepsy are happy - does that logic work for you like it does for me?) but no memory loss
.
yesterday I had the same strength dose and had all sorts of short and long term memory issues - half of which muct be reverse placebos, because I do recall the doctor quite clearly telling me any memory issues would be to do with the actual processing of an experience (as in, it would not be processed and thus would not even become a memory) at the time of experience, and there would be no issues with recall of long or short term memories
.
it was as if I spent the whole of yesterday in a maze, at midnight, with no moon, blindfolded anyhow, feeling very tentatively around, not knowing why or what for - was I looking for something, was I going someplace, was I due to meet someone, why was I there, who had brought me, was someone going to come and collect me. . .
.
if I concentrated really hard, I could work somethings out (bit like if you were blindfolded and given a fruitbowl, you'd be able to tell what was a pear, a banana, a bunch of grapes, perhaps a melon, an orange and an apple) (wouldn't you?) but there were somethings that just weren't "there"
.
I don't know if they are now,
because I can't remember what they were
.
all I know is that I still feel as sad as I did
whenever it was I came in
.
(perhaps I'm searching for happiness?)

11 comments:

ziggi said...

!!!!!!
can you feel if it's a pineapple yet?

I think you are incredibly brave.
(((XXX)))

Dave said...

Have a hug from me.

Yes, that is a banana in my pocket.

Gordie said...

Happiness is nice. I hope you find some. The L (in L. Frank Baum) stands for Lyman.

mig bardsley said...

I feel very much like coming and collecting you right now! This does not sound like fun. But if it helps in the end I guess it's good.
Big hugs sweetheart (and a bowl of cherries).

Z said...

I hope it gets better.

sorrow11 said...

UGH
Fuzzy maze head...
Yuck..
Here is a hug,
a bit of Love and a candle for lifting up and lighted days..
(((((ISLTV)))))

katherine. said...

it amazes me the strength you have writing all of this to all of us....

Steg said...

*lost for words, for once, Steg squeezes her virtual hand and gives what he hopes is a supportive smile*

That's not distant thunder you can hear by the way, it's my heart breaking.

Gordie said...

How does this strange procedure make you happy? Is it like a cognitive hysterectomy? Still hugging you and holding you and wondering what's in it today.

I, like the view, still said...

gordie they give you a little bundle of sheets, which explain as much as they know - kind of like "rebooting everything" (just like the pc analogy) and things to do with "modulating the monoamine systems in the brain, such as the serotogernic and noradrenergic pathways" (more like Nora Batty, if you ask me) and "dopaminergic systems". . .

needless to say, there are three short paragraphs on how (they think)(cos they admit they are not certain) ECT works and five or six pages on side effects/how it's given/consent etc etc

steg I feel the squeeeeeeeeeeze - thank you, sweetie

katherine well, I'm being very naughty and refusing to attend the "groups" that I'm supposed to be going to (I hate "groups")(mainly because I don't like the people in them - it's not like any other kind of situation where you can pick and choose who you want to bare your soul to, so I ain't doin' it) thus I have a lot of time on my hands. . .

see, sorrow, if it was your fuzzy head maze, I could cope!

z thank you, so do I

mig strangely I had a hankering for cherries yesterday, I was sitting in the garden having a fag, wondering how far I'd be able to spit a cheery stone. . .

ha! a cheery stone, well that too - as well as a cheery stone

gordie thanks and thanks

dave I'm glad that was only a banana, you had me worried for a minute

zigz pretty weird pineapple, I thought it was a Kiwi Fruit!

XXXXX to you all. . .

Mel said...

<-- fighting the urge to tell Mig to go get you

(only cuz I know it's selfishly motivated......)

Inches and seconds--bit by bit. I'm gonna trust things will get better for you by having the series/treatment.

(having my own brand of fuzz day--wishing I had more to offer, yaknow?)