okay, so I've been hummin' The Pet Shop Boys all afternoon
"what have I, what have I,
what have I done to deserve this. . ."

and then segueing into songs from my favourite album of theirs, the one they did with that woman who was in Caberet. . .

you know, her. . .

"if this is a prison,
I'm in it with you. . ."

you know exactly who I mean, sure you do. . .

I'm here because I overdosed

(on purpose)

three times
more each time, as the first two occasions just left me with a headache and a shortage of the medication I'm on for "depression" and "not sleeping"; eventually I phoned the quack and fibbed and said that I'd mislaid my meds in the move and could I have some more please
and took the lot
XCH came over and found me (am not quite sure why) and took me round to his, where I woke - slightly confused - in the middle of the night - I really hadn't expected to be awake that third time, you see, I knew that much - and then found his very sharpest Sabbatier and the sharpener and ran a bath and then sat in it slicing my wrist up

I passed out eventually

I don't really remember the rest, other than the fact The Good Doctor had already suggested ECT as the treatment for depression when others (talking and tablets) have failed
so here I am
having some
I'm not proud of myself, I mean my children need me right? and in a slightly better state than this, probably; and might do, for some years to come; but quite clearly something was not right, so I guess something needs fixin'

TGD had mentioned ECT to me quite a while ago, but as a layperson it sounds a little scary, doesn't it

I mean, all most of us know about ECT is from watching OFOtC'sN, right?

. . .which is a little like saying all most of us know about looking after a hotel over winter is from watching The Shining!
. . .and all we really know about The Devil is from watching The Witches of Eastwick!

. . .and all we know about OCD is from watching As Good As It Gets!

the media has a lot to answer for, doesn't it?

(and yee g*ds, I lurve that man!)

so, stick with me people and I'll tell you all about it

that's a promise. . .

it might not be pretty, it might not be as tuneful as you've come to expect from yours truly - but it will be honest and accurate and if it works, I will share my happiness with you!

for starters, I'll tell you this - just before you pass out under the general anaesthetic, they tuck the blanket back from your feet. . .

why? I asked my lovely resus nurse

because, says he, for it is a he, they need to know when they've got the current right and the first things to start fitting are your toes. . .


Donn said...


Sweetie you NEED you!
I'm ready to listen..I don't care if it isn't as tuneful or pretty...I want to hear the honest and accurate...and you need to tell it.
Let's get to the bottom of this.

xxx ooo

ziggi said...

starts at the toes eh?
Well we're hoping that the happiness cure works all the way up to the top of your head.

You're very brave, braver than anyone else I know I believe me I know some real nutcases!

Love to you honey
XXX OOO (I don't know what those OOOs are but if Donn is OOO you, so am I!)

ziggi said...

that JN has a LOT to answer for doesn't he?!

Still DAMN sexy though!

Rimshot said...

Why do wrist slitters choose a tub full of water for the locale? Is it to keep things tidy?

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll have cause to say it again:

Silly girl. (anything to get out of coming to my party, eh?)

Dave said...

Liza Minnelli.

I don't need to say anything else, do I?

I, like the view, still said...

dave thank you!

I don't need to say anything else, do I?


love and hugs (ooo) and kisses (xxx) to you all


KAZ said...

Vivien Leigh had the ECT many times.
She was almost as beautiful as you.

Mel said...

Liza Minnelli (yes, I know that got answered--still felt compelled to name that singer!)


If it helps you to put it out here, then by all means, do that. You know I'm listening regardless of the content .
Sometimes I even hear what you're not saying--this you know as well.....

I know I really, really, REALLY like having you on this planet and in my life.
I've done absense of you--and I didn't like it much.

You do need you--and while it might not seem 'big enough' in those moments in time, yes, the kiddos need their mom. I feel relatively secure in saying that--I grew up without a mom so I know what it wears like to have that gone from your life.

Butyaknow...I'm a selfish snot and I want what I want....it just plain MATTERS to me.

YOU......matter to me.

What you do today won't make me go away--
I ain't going nowhere.

I'm stubborn and selfish and I want what I want....and I want you in my life. Period.


.and so ya know--I do know the overwhelming hopeless aloneness of 'this'.
I do know what loss of hope feels like.
I do know what being convinced that it won't get different creates......
And I came through the other side to know that it gets different.
It DOES get different.

Truth is, I knew that in my head and couldn't seemingly do different.....couldn't do what was in front of me ANYmore.
That darkness is familiar.

But please hear me...
Really....there are folks who'll walk through this with you.
<--will joyously walk through whatever with you
You don't NEED to do it alone, yaknow?

Maybe that needs to be the purpose in putting it 'out there'....so you aren't feeling or thinking like you're doing this alone.

<--is honoured to walk through the muck and the mire with anyone--but is especially honoured to walk that walk with you
Just so ya know.......

*huge hugs and peacefilled thoughts*

Loved and loveable, you are indeed.

Gordie said...

It seems like you need to be separated from something, sweetie. But not your blood. Nor your children, nor yourself, nor your friends who love you. I hope the ECT will give you that.

I'm so glad you told us. It's sad, but it's true, and if you tell the world the truth about yourself, you'll find out who really likes you.

mig bardsley said...

Everyone's said what I'm thinking.
Thank you for telling us about it, I too have tried to read between the lines but am very glad to be able to see more clearly. And honoured too.

All I can say is ooo and xxx and the ECT had better work because you are a rare and shining person and your survival and emergence from the dark place will be a joy for your children and for all of us who care about you.
love xxx

dinahmow said...

Ditto. I know several who've been down this road, but never any with your humour and candour.

katherine. said...

I echo the mention of feeling honored to read your story...and thankful you are here telling it to us.