I have a couple of things I want to run by you good people; seeing as how you accept me faults/warts 'n' all. . .
firstly:
I have had an offer
I have had an offer
there are risks and rewards attached (reminds me of Sociology 'A'-Level, which they made me do instead of French, because they couldn't fit French into the curriculum alongside Biology and Chemistry) (I digress) (but the thing that it reminds me of is "short term gratification" v "long term satisfaction")
it is an offer of a treat, something wonderful, to brighten my day, that will make me smile; I've had similar offers before but they haven't worked out
it is an offer of a treat, something wonderful, to brighten my day, that will make me smile; I've had similar offers before but they haven't worked out
so the first question I pose is:
does always history repeat itself
and/or
have I learnt sufficiently
from the past
to deal with this differently
does always history repeat itself
and/or
have I learnt sufficiently
from the past
to deal with this differently
(and don't go all rhetorical on me, I know the answer for myself, I'm just curious about what you guys think)
and the second:
I need a permanent home
I need a permanent home
I found a house to buy for myself and the children (which The Teen and the others would be happy to live in it), but CH said it was too expensive. . .
so I found a flat to buy that is very very reasonably priced (and in a better location, The Teen loved it and the others are enthused but haven't seen it yet), but CH says it is too small. . .
where I am and want to remain, there is no inbetween: no reasonably priced, right sized residence; I can't move locations too far because of the children's schools; I like living in the area I live in and would choose location over some other aspects of property purchase
time is about to run out for me: I only have the current place until the end of June and seeing as how we're already at the end of Jan that gives me five months in which to look/offer/go thru all that shit that you go thru when you're looking offering/buy/move
CH also points out that - apparently, according to the wonderful HD - I am currently "depressed" and big decisions (like investing large chunks of "his money" should not be made whilst one is depressed: he says I'll regret buying the flat because it is a knee jerk reaction to my present situation) (most of the details I have spared at you, choosing to sing at y'all instead)
obviously I want him to be happy with where his children live during the week, he has no idea where he is going to end up living so I can't make a decision based on their proximity to him in the future, he is a good kind generous man and I know he has their best interests at heart (and mine, because I am their mother) and I don't want to piss him off (and I've been doing that a lot recently, and fully intend not to keep doing it) (do not want to end up being one of those ex's that piss of their ex whilst he moves happily on with his new life) (she writes, with her head in the clouds) (or highly medicated, at least)
CH also points out that - apparently, according to the wonderful HD - I am currently "depressed" and big decisions (like investing large chunks of "his money" should not be made whilst one is depressed: he says I'll regret buying the flat because it is a knee jerk reaction to my present situation) (most of the details I have spared at you, choosing to sing at y'all instead)
obviously I want him to be happy with where his children live during the week, he has no idea where he is going to end up living so I can't make a decision based on their proximity to him in the future, he is a good kind generous man and I know he has their best interests at heart (and mine, because I am their mother) and I don't want to piss him off (and I've been doing that a lot recently, and fully intend not to keep doing it) (do not want to end up being one of those ex's that piss of their ex whilst he moves happily on with his new life) (she writes, with her head in the clouds) (or highly medicated, at least)
so the second question I pose is this:
do I let him make
important life decisions for me
seeing as he has known me
for more than half my life
or
do I try and move on
on my own
after all, I am now
important life decisions for me
seeing as he has known me
for more than half my life
or
do I try and move on
on my own
after all, I am now
there you were thinking you were going to have an easy day of it, with only your own issues to deal with and I've come along and posed two extra ones for you; but if you ignore this - which of course you can, she adds, covering all bases, it's only a blog after all, I only have one thing to say:
18 comments:
Ooh, time to be serious, eh?
Okay, history does not always repeat itself. If you've learned from past experiences (I was going to say "mistakes" but who am I to judge what's a mistake) then I don't see why you shouldn't go for it. If you try to keep expectations to a minimum, without being unduly negative, then if you do end up having a good time it'll almost be like a nice surprise.
On the house thing, it's true that "people who know about these things" say that life-changing decisions should not be made whilst in the grip of depression. Trying to find somewhere to live and actually buying it is such a pain in the arse at the best of times then I'd be inclined to say that if he's "a good kind generous man" with everyone's best interests at heart then his help could prove to be invaluable.
Oh, and while I'm being serious, about this "on my own" thing. While you may not have a "long-term life partner" at the moment that doesn't mean that you're on your own. I'm sure someone with your wit and intelligence (and, dare I say it - good looks) has friends willing to offer company and support. Failing that you always have the rabble who read your blog!
thanks "rabble" will now be my substitute for the word "audience" (which I knew all along was the wrong word)(and sometimes, words do fail me. . .)!
on the serious points, thank you steg
thank you
Oh I feel much more comfortable as part of a rabble :)
I agree, history really doesn't always repeat itself. We only think it does because we notice it because when it does it gets into one of those random clusters of individual events and I can't remember the exact phrase which has been bugging me ever since your blog change. And then we think ooh look, history repeated itself again. (Does that make any sense?)
Well if you do go for it, I hope it's great :)
House moving - that's a hard one.
that was that guy Hofsomething or other that that clever agent of all things espionage double oh 7 and a half wrote about once
*do I let him make important life decisions for me*
My knee jerk reaction is, never let anyone do that! But you can take his opinions on board and make use of them. And you do seem to have a good idea of what you're looking for so I'd trust your own judgement in this as well. And location is very important isn't it?
Um, is the flat a good resale prospect? Because maybe it doesn't have to be a final decision. In your place, I wouldn't want to think I had to make irrevocable decisions so quickly but I would want to get out from under the June time limit.
Oh and there's a patron saint of house moving. I'll try and find out who it is :)
(As for the final image - better out than in, that's what my in-laws always say and I agree with them :)
Please keep in mind the alien in the house is in 'protect' mode and has attempted multiple times to have an opinion which is open to all possibilities--beam me up cuz I need an overhaul...LOL Keeping THAT in mind:
Nope, history doesn't always repeat itself.
Human beings just like being 'right'. ;-)
They'll selectively call up fine examples so they can be and ignore those which don't validate what they want to be true.
So speaks the alien. LOL
And....dare I add that human beings have difficulties separating their 'own best interests' from those of the
other(s) involved.
In other words, it's apparently very difficult to be selfLESS.
'What's in it for me' nudges its way into the cracks and crevices.
Walk carefully, earthling.
Is there a third party who'd not benifit/lose from the housing situation that could provide guidance...one you trust was for you and the kiddos?
....your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Now....go away....or I shall taunt you some more!
;-)
(courtesy of the 'other' alien who's rather fond of you himself...)
:-D
(((((((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))))
(STILL!)
History only repeats itself if we didn't learn from the last time. And, for me, there is usually no way of knowing what we did and didn't learn until we are in the thick of it and there is this Eureka moment.
And, as far as the homes... Surf the wave. Don't let him make the decision for you, but let him take the lead and set up the options. You know, just like the rest of life where we select from the things that are in front of us... far too many people get all weird trying to select things that aren't in front of them... it confuses me. C:)
1. I don't even take my advise, so consider that when continuing.
2. I once read: "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme." And I always preferred: "Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it." So there's that.
3. I, also, knee-jerk-like would say, don't let anyone make your decisions for you, 'depression', meds or otherwise. That said, there's nothing wrong with considering opinions (which you seem to be doing already). Buy the house! You can always sell it later.
don't live in a flat if you can help it sweetie unless it has a garden.
xxxx
On the first one, without knowing anything about the nature of the offer, I don't really feel like I have enough information to say whether history repeats itself or not. It's all about the context, sweetie. (That's what I think, anyway).
On point number two, I think the others are right that you should look to him for advice but the final decision belongs to you and the children. The only other thing is that if he vetoed one option because of the money situation, maybe the two of you should sit down and talk so you know exactly what your budget is before you look at more houses. It'll save you a huge amount of time and energy in the long run.
Obviously, I say again that this is just my opinion.
Dash x
I love you guys
thank you dash, ziggi, shot, craig, mel, The Brit, mig, steg
thank you thank you thank you for your time and thoughts
:-)
What are you really negotiating here? Since the well being of 'your' children is the defacto issue you need to make the entire experience less of a MY house and more of an OUR children's house. It's a package deal but he needs to be able to see more of their needs than yours.
Where do THEY want to live?
Having gone through this once I can attest to the residual guilt that the Dad has and that the desires of his children will trump (in spades) any of the ex-wife's wishes...for the forseeable future.
I don't advocate using them as pawns in an emotional blackmail (NEVER EVER EVER because they'll be mad at both of you) but in a more realistic sense of the negotiation you and the children are going to be living there right? So if you present a bona fide united front then your ex, who happens to be a NICE guy as opposed to the norm, will be far more interested in accomodating the family and be gently nudged into re-evaluating the entire process.
I hope that this came across the right way. Look Reality happens and You actually have a slight advantage here.
He may have known you for half of your life but his best interests are now reserved for himself and his children..so play the hand that you've been dealt and don't hide your aces..
he knows that you have them and how many.
It also wouldn't hurt for you play up how altruistic and responsible he is being since everyone's emotions are still tender and the egos are still bruised, so any sense of making 'civilized' progress is a hugely rewarding experience.
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
I'm with Ziggi, I suspect you need a garden.
Or if you can't have a garden, a view. And a balcony or a roof top.
I think it's much more important that the five of you arrive at a good decision, rather than worry about how independent of CH you are capable of being at the moment.
I know that depression does alter one's perceptions of reality quite drastically, and inconsistently.
A statement like "I could never get the children to school on time if I had to drive that route every morning" could be a perfectly rational assessment, or a cry of fear, or a mixture of both.
Make sure you contribute to the discussions about what's important, but listen to the others when it comes to assessing the options.
I'm not really here. I'm certainly not all here (or there). So don't expect any sensible advice from me.
I may need a house in August, when I have to leave here, and may not have a job to go to, if I'm still off work ill. I don't have a CH (or CW) to buy me one though.
Erm... what was the question again?
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