so sit by the river for the last time

I know I can come back, whenever I want

there's a bench, you see - it's for anyone, anytime

me, at some future time

the river was swollen to almost overflowing tonight, reflecting the night lights of the city from one edge of the bank to the other: all the colours from all the buildings and those of the street lights and the windows of the underground train going over the river - the same lights and colours as the last time I sat there, the same lights and colours as will be there the next time I sit at night
.
there were people on the piazza, spilling in and out of the pub to have their fags and their brawls under the starlit sky; they were noisy - but it's a city, and I expect nothing different
.
I knew that if I was to sit on the balcony later, much later, they would all be wending they ways to their homes and peace and silence would prevail again
.
tomorrow I am going home
.
"home"
.
it's not where my heart is, but it is where a very very important part of it is: it's where my children are
.
if I am honest I lost sight of my children a couple of times in the last two years or so - I put my own happiness first, and then I put my own sadness first
.
:-/
.
I'm not proud of that
.
but in the last few weeks I have finally stopped punishing myself for it
.
at the moment my Not So Small People are, one by one, bit by bit, discovering their own lives in their own ways - at some point in the future I will become a smaller part of their lives as they forge their own futures and then they will fly
.
I hope what they have been thru this last long while with me won't prove too much of a burden for them, I hope it won't weigh them down, I hope it won't cause them not to return to me when or if they need to. . .
.
I hope we find a better equilibrium in the long run, despite the ups and downs I know will come in the medium term. . .
.
and as for the immediate short term - I'm not scared anymore, I am a little anxious, but I'm not frightened; I am not at peace with myself, but I am not at war with myself, it's as if I have managed to draw a truce; I am exhausted, but I am not tired, I know where to find the energy I will need; I am not 100% well, but I am not 100% ill, but slowly I am getting better
.
and I know I'm a bit slushy at times, but I believe in giving thanks when and where it's due
.
and it's due here and now - from me, to you
.
thank you, once again,
from the bottom of my heart
right up to the top
.
if there's anything that you want
if there's anything I can do
just call on me
and I'll send it along
with love
from me, to you
.
I called on you all,
and you sent
what I wanted (and needed) along. . .
. . .your friendship
.
I thank you

6 comments:

Anonymous G said...

no, thank YOU.

I'm thinking of you as your journey continues...

((((((ILTV))))))


(and oh, the Beatles! They always make me feel good. happy. familiar.) :)

There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all

I, Like The View said...

thanks g, that's a lovely tune to be humming this morning

Mel said...

I read this last evening and couldn't, for the life of me, muster up a comment.

And this morning I still find myself unable to put it into words.

*shaking head*
That ain't cool.


Maybe I just need to hum along with G? Dunno....

(((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))

I'll just say what I know is true for me:
It's been an honour and a privilege.

So there! :-P
(don't make me get out the hose......)

I, Like The View said...

((((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))))

katherine. said...

momentous is some ways.
routine in others.

that balcony...watching the river...and all the life below has been a healing place it seems...a good transition place.

when my daughter was born her father gave me a Flavia print which said something to the effect that we give our children two things. One is roots. The other is wings.

Letting them fly away is bittersweet indeed.

hope the homecoming was smooth

Mig said...

Oh sweetheart! Wishing energy and peace for you.
xxxxx