here comes the sun

from one extreme. . .

yesterday I borrowed XCH's car and I cursed the low-lying near-winter-equinox sun as I drove - it came thru the windscreen at exactly the wrong angle and nearly blinded me

.

fortunately that part of my journey was spent driving thru The Park, on almost empty roads, so I was a danger to no one (well, only myself)

.

(The Park has fields and forest for the deer, roads for the cars, tracks for the cyclists, paths for the pedestrians and special horse riding routes - why then do joggers insist on running on the roads and slowing down the traffic to a mere crawl?)

.

today I sit on XCH's balcony and the same sun, which has barely risen in the sky since the dawn, is shining directly into my eyes again but this time I smile to myself as I bask in it - so much time has passed since I've been here that I can remember other mornings when by now the sun would be so high up that I would be sitting in shadow

.

so much time has passed. . .

.

when I was first here I tried not to think about it, the time. . .

.

I thought only in hour long blocks, "this hour", "the next hour", and at a push a few days, "today", "tomorrow", "the weekend". . .

.

it was a way of not being in that petrifying place of "the rest of my life" - it is odd, to be able to think your way out of feeling your "negative" emotions

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and yet, when we are relaxed and content and vaguely happy, we are more than satisfied to bask in the feelings

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I know I've written about it before, but I do believe that the "negative" emotions can be viewed in a positive way: they are warning lights, the gut reactions that indicate when something is not quite right and actually needs attention - rather than to be ignored

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easier said than done, especially when said from a place of not being submerged in or overwhelmed by the very "negativity" itself

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but look at me, waffling away, when you have slightly more pressing matters to attend to

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I'm going back to the balcony while I have it - in a few weeks I'll be in the tiny courtyard peeking up at a small square of blue. . .
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. . .to the other