what a difference

a day makes

it feels like I've shed a skin

I know exactly why I was so upset yesterday, and I also know that what I need to do is learn how to manage (not control, manage) a similar situation differently

and I need more rest, and probably to eat a little more consistently, and perhaps not to feel the need to do so much over at the house and not to get pissed off if The Nanny's not doing the chores

what's most important is that I'm there, calm, as positive as I can be, for my children - I don't need to be or prove anything other than that

that I'm there for them,
that I love them
and that I'm able to be loved by them

*

I sat down by the river again this evening - the wind has dropped, the tide was in, the water a gently mesmorising reflection of lights rippling together: the bright white lights on the bridge closest to the water, the yellow neon of the street lamps on the bridge, the dull lights in buses and cars crossing the bridge

it was quite hypnotic

*

thank you, dear reader, for being so kind to me yesterday when I was sad and wailing about it. . . I need to be able exorcise my fears and get them out of my head, and - as I'm sure you are aware - I do that here; and, also, I think sometimes it is ok to have a really really good sob, isn't it? and I so appreciated your lovely hugs; yesterday and the couple of days before that were pretty awful, and one of the lessons I've learnt is that you are my good good friend (which is a wonderful thing to have in a life) - I have friends! - and that I am still having crappy days. . .

. . .but that does not mean that everything is crappy

I just need to learn to manage the crap better

("just" being the operative word!)

but, most importantly, you are my friend

and of that, I'm very very very glad

thank you