it's my blog

and I'll cry if I want to

I've had the most dreadful couple of days, really really awful; everything is crap; everything has gone pear-shaped; I feel like shit again, even tho just a few days ago I was feeling as if I was beginning to be able to handle things again with a modicum of success

I'm exhausted, feel as if I have flu coming on, need someone to come and look after me as I have no energy or strength to do it myself, need to phone a friend - except I don't have anyone I can call, am so lonely I could cry (in fact the tears are streaming down my face as I write this)

fucking hell - why does it have to be like this sometimes? how can I be on all the medication I'm on and still feel like this? how can I have good days and then have bad days again? I want to say "it's not fair" but we weren't allowed to say that when I was little and I can still hear my mother's reply in my head ("black man's hair never will be") (didn't make any sense to me when she used to say that, as we lived in Cheltenham where there were no people of colour) so I won't and anyhow it's not about fair it's about responsibility, isn't it? it's OK, there are no answers to any of those rhetorical questions, are there, apart from the fact it's just a life and I should learn to let go a little

but I need a hug and some comfort and I'm so very very sad again and I hate it

11 comments:

katherine. said...

awww.

{{{{{{{ J }}}}}}}

I hate that your day is dreadful. And I don't have the answers for you.

But I know that there will be good days again...where you can handle everything with success.

I'd have you call me...but it'd cost a bloody fortune.(appropriate use of the word bloody?)

I'm gonna go look for a song I love...be right back...

katherine. said...

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows
that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Superchic[k]

I didn’t realize this song was used in a television show and there are a gazillion homemade videos..so here is just the music.

Sorrow said...

stomps foot...
No one to call?
Stomps foot again...
What about the kids? can't you just take them out for ice cream?
Ice cream always makes me smile...
Do something to make you happy..
And most of all hang on...
The only song I can add is from Annie...
and It's a bit scary...
Something like
" the sun will come out tomorrow..dum de tum tum tum...
(i'm musically impaired...Sorry)

Mel said...

You said it--you're exhausted, you're not feeling physically well...

Sheeeeeeshhh I can hear my own doc saying it: "Mel...REST, dammit." (yeah, yeah-- I drive him to the point of cursing) Admittedly, I suck at just 'resting'.

Rest.
I know that sounds trivial--but things tend to get 'huge' for some of us when we're physically 'ucky' and tuckered out.
I'd be one of 'em.
Eat well, rest and give yourself a break, will ya?
I know a good part of healing from depression happens when we start getting up and getting busy with life 'stuff'....I also know rest is required as well.
I believe human beings refer to all of that as 'balance'......which tells ya that I know squat about balance--which you've heard me confess over and over again..which is why doc swears at me?

WPIML assures me that I get to feel all my feelings--cuz they're mine. I'm gonna feel sad, glad, mad, scared--whatever.....LOL (You know how much I lovvvvve this feeling jazz.) He also assures me that I'm still charged with acting like a responsible adult while I'm 'having a feeling'. ACK! I don't even have that 'act like a responsible adult' down pat on a GOOD day! Please note he says 'acting like'. Which is my saving grace--cuz I'm a good little actress?

And all this rambling can be done now!! LOL It's late and it's not my fault? ;-)

So, I can say something simple like--"matters to this one!" and let ya know it won't always feel
like this.

And hug the stuffings outta ya, of course.

((((((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))))

:-)

And let ya know someone wayyyyyyyy over here is thinking warm, gooshy thoughts about ya.......

Dave said...

You do know that you can call me, don't you?

I, like the view said...

dave I didn't, but I do now

thank you

mel thank you, dearheart

sorrow I'm hanging on

katherine that's lovely, thank you

Gordie said...

Oi you - I am cheaper than katherine, and I expect you to take advantage of me.

Or get something called Skype, and then you can call anywhere in the world for free.

I know you are not a naturally dumb blonde, so your current state is almost certainly down to exhaustion. Obey mel, until you feel better.

And when you feel like reading some science, Google "evolution of sleep" - you'll find some fascinating explanations of why we need it and why we go mad without it.

Steg said...

It sounds like you might have picked up whatever The Teen had. Being run down physically can effect moods and let's face it, no-one is all hearts and flowers if they're feeling ill.

While risking sounding pompous, there will be days where you feel like you're back-sliding. Unfortunately the road to recovery is very rarely a smooth upward line.

But...

You need a hug? That I can do, even if only virtually!

*big, take-your-breath-away type hug*

And never say you don't have anyone you can call. Check your inbox in a few minutes....

Mel said...

<--still matters to this one

Yeah, I'm silly like that....

Mig said...

Damn! Sweetheart, please call me! Oh I'm sorry I'm too late to read this and call you.
(((((((((((( I )))))))))))))

It's not fair that you keep hurting in spite of all you've done to keep going. And (I'm going to have to read further back to see what's been happening in case I'm talking nonsense) the fact that you cry "it's not fair" makes me think it is about fair! Because of all people, you always seem to be prepared to take on responsibility.
Oh well.
More hugs
xxxx

ziggi said...

you coulda called me! and now I've only just read this because Himself has been hogging the connection and I keep getting interrupted at work! I feel so useless! please txt me your mobile number!!