the cold light of day

I read an article in the paper about an eleven-year-old girl - both of her parents have terminal cancer, she will soon be an orphan

when I suffered from post-natal depression, I can remember talking to the psychiatric nurse about how guilty I felt about being ill when I had three healthy children, (at the time) a loving husband with a good job, a roof over our heads, clothes on all our backs and food in the kitchen

she used to tell me I had to deal with what I had to deal with, and not to compare myself with others who might be worse off

it was my upbringing - my mother created an environment in which we felt guilty for the roof over our heads (she'd lost her three times in the war), food in the fridge (there were times in her childhood when she'd had none), ownership of anything of kind (ditto), wants/needs/desires were for selfish people. . .

. . .bad people. . .

I now understand that she was wrong about many things

I've tried to bring my children up with awareness, not guilt

but I still struggle with it myself, and I know sometimes the struggle and the guilt fuel my illness

I wonder how ill I still am, and if my worries of last night and the early hours of the morning and the sleepless but nightmare filled hours inbetween are part of the illness - or part of my recovery

I feel totally lost

and yet I know my children are healthy (despite the lack of fruit vegetables), they have one healthy parent who earns himself a good living and can afford to pay for someone to open the front door to them when they arrive home from school in the afternoon, a roof over their heads that is not leaking in the current downpours, clothes and toys and pocket money. . .

. . .a mother who loves them

so why do I feel so totally lost?