the cold light of day

I read an article in the paper about an eleven-year-old girl - both of her parents have terminal cancer, she will soon be an orphan

when I suffered from post-natal depression, I can remember talking to the psychiatric nurse about how guilty I felt about being ill when I had three healthy children, (at the time) a loving husband with a good job, a roof over our heads, clothes on all our backs and food in the kitchen

she used to tell me I had to deal with what I had to deal with, and not to compare myself with others who might be worse off

it was my upbringing - my mother created an environment in which we felt guilty for the roof over our heads (she'd lost her three times in the war), food in the fridge (there were times in her childhood when she'd had none), ownership of anything of kind (ditto), wants/needs/desires were for selfish people. . .

. . .bad people. . .

I now understand that she was wrong about many things

I've tried to bring my children up with awareness, not guilt

but I still struggle with it myself, and I know sometimes the struggle and the guilt fuel my illness

I wonder how ill I still am, and if my worries of last night and the early hours of the morning and the sleepless but nightmare filled hours inbetween are part of the illness - or part of my recovery

I feel totally lost

and yet I know my children are healthy (despite the lack of fruit vegetables), they have one healthy parent who earns himself a good living and can afford to pay for someone to open the front door to them when they arrive home from school in the afternoon, a roof over their heads that is not leaking in the current downpours, clothes and toys and pocket money. . .

. . .a mother who loves them

so why do I feel so totally lost?


ziggi said...


not quite better yet sweetie - but better than you were and getting there - one step at a time . . .

you're very brave and I have every faith you will make it


Mel said...

((((( ILTV )))))))

Step by step, eh?

And I'm thinking (in part) it feels bad cuz, more than anything, it's not what you want for the kiddos.
There are bits you can do--but you don't get to change the circumstances.

Three months can bring a whole lot of's what I get to focus on.
Doing and being the bestest I can do and be for myself and those I care about....

You're doing just sucks that the circumstances are what they are today.
But circumstances change with time--and three months is a chunk of time....or no time at all, depending how you look at it...

*sending peacefilled, warm thoughts*

Yeah.....I always have a dime's worth of opinions, huh?

Dave said...

What they said.

Steg said...

Almost word for word what Ziggi said. One Hell of a brave lady and it's a privilege to know you.


Gordie said...

Maybe you're not lost. Maybe youfeel lost because you know where you are, and it's not where you want to be.

Maybe you feel guilty because that's the only way you know how to take responsibility.

One of the things I've struggled with is that awareness and responsibility are truly empowering, but in the short term, they mke me feel awful. :-(


Anonymous G said...

You have some most amazing friends.

I could never have (but would have) articulated the thoughts they just shared here...

Wise and loving friends.


Rimshot said...

What makes you think that what you FEEL is how things really ARE?

Just asking.

Sorrow said...

So They have all come and said wonderful things..
good things, healing things,
I am only going to add,
that i am here
listening too
and sending my love
along the wind...

Mel said...

(((((( ILTV ))))))

Brisk Sunday hug--yup......

mig bardsley said...

Lost is a relative thing, isn't it?
Like when you visit a place at night that you've only ever seen in daylight.
Or like after a hurricane and all the skylines have changed.

*Your mother was wrong about many things* but then we all are.
Small children often have a very strong desire to help their parents and you are a very caring and responsible person. Perhaps you are still trying to make things right for your mother's sake, not just out of guilt that she made you feel but simply because you cared about her?

I hope you are going to or have spoken to a head doctor about your nightmares. I don't see why you should struggle alone with these and I don't think it matters that some of your medical people classed them as just bad dreams. Whatever they call them, they're still a rotten thing to have to deal with.

Lots of love sweetheart, Big hugs

mig bardsley said...

Oh and by the way, blogger has completely broken my blog, I can't post anything so I've made a wordpress one and it's here

Anonymous G said...

Stopping in to doodle in the margins and to let you know I'm thinking of you.............