ECT etc, etc

my brain has finally stopped recognising everybody now it just thinks that everyone I see looks like someone I know, rather than thinking I actually know everyone I see

this is a bit of a relief, I have to say but then again TGD did say that within a few weeks things would be virtually back to normal

I still have huge and unpredictable blanks tho for example M-T is wearing a dress, that apparently I bought her on a shopping trip we went on a while back; she seems very nonchalant about the fact I don't remember various things, perhaps she just accepts it because she knows I have been ill; I wish I could

the best thing is that the tunes have returned! this morning a chord I heard had me humming first "Light My Fire" by The Doors and then, for some reason, I segued into "Drive My Car" by The Beatles. . .

. . .beep-beep'm beep-beep yeah!
.
apart from that, I'm exhausted
.
totally shattered. . .

today I was allowed to have all three children round at the apartment at once - I cooked them Sunday lunch: roast chicken with a bacon lattice, sausages and roast onions, roast potatoes, gravy, asparagus carrots and roasted peppers, and - just for fun, because they like them - Yorkshire puddings, even tho it was chicken not beef; strawberries (for those who like strawberries) and ice-cream for pudding

I know I usually cook a fairly decent roast dinner and - despite the heat - it was the right thing to serve them as it made them feel at home and kind of back to normal again (even tho for the last year it's been XCH cooking the Sunday roast for them, here)

they stayed all afternoon and the usual bickering and nit-picking ensued, but it didn't grate me and I managed to turn some of the unpleasantness around into humour and then laughed with them

but, dear reader, I feel so alone
..
and I know it's ok to feel exhausted and alone,
and only to be in the moment,
and not to worry about The Future,
but it's the emptiness that gets me;
I've spent the day drawing, people watching, cooking, talking and listening,
I've been out and I have something nice to look forward to this evening - it's just. . .
.
. . .just
.
. . .so hard
.
. . .after the last year, and the two before that. . .
.
when will it end?
.
I just want it to end

11 comments:

' said...

1. That meal sounds absolutely WONDERFUL! Color me jealous. Will you adopt me?

2. Hard? Yes. VERY Hard? Perhaps. Impossible? Not at all. Beyond you? Never.

( ( ( ( I,LTV,S ) ) ) )

'Shot said...

oops, that was me above.

moreidlethoughts said...

Doctors (even TGDs) tell you that post-operative trauma and all sorts of other traumas are due to the body's response to various medications and until the body sorts things out you'll have these weird patches.
What the doctors don't tell you is that this can happen (does happen!) to the rest of us, too.
So, when you feel terribly small and alone...squeeze down the rabbit hole cos there are more of us down there and we'd love to have a sing-along!

Anonymous G said...

((((((((ILTV)))))))

i'm sorry you feel alone. my heart is sad for you but i know you're not alone.

i wasn't around (i'm new here, ya know? ) so i don't know about the last year and the two before that and what it is you want to end.

the loneliness? you're not alone.

but you feel alone. and that matters.

mention those feelings to TGD, won't you please?

on paper (monitor?) it sounds like a lovely sunday. time with your kids, cooking, drawing, talking...

it's okay to feel exhausted, too.

but mention this to TGD and the community of caring people.

((((((ILTV))))))

xo
Gayle

Sorrow said...

((((((ISLTV)))))))
You do Matter...
to wee ones, and to us...

Mel said...

Persevere--

You'll wake up one morning to discover it's just not there any more......and you'll go in search for it like that tooth that's been pulled cuz it feels strange to not feel that, to not have that paramount in your waking moments.

One foot in front of the other.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time--persevere.

Ya know we're all rooting for you....and lovin' ya through the moments.

((((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))

Z said...

Oh cheers, love, now I've got a mixture of Light My Fire While I Drive My Car going through my head.

I've felt empty and alone all my life. I'm happily married with a lovely family but at my core I'm a solitary, miserable hermit, or I could be. I don't let myself dwell on it and if the thought comes to me I put on some distracting music and behave like the person I'd rather be. Um, that might not have helped - or maybe it does? - you can feel like that and still be happy and there are a lot of us in that rabbit hole, really. It'll get better, just grab every little bit of pleasure and company you can, just like you did on Sunday.

Z said...

I suppose that should be while you drive my car. I had the tunes not the words in my mind. Hmm.

Steg said...

You're never alone really, you know.

*hugs*

Gordie said...

===>is reminded of TS Eliot.

There is no end, but addition: the trailing
Consequence of further days and hours,
While emotion takes to itself the emotionless
Years of living among the breakage
Of what was believed in as the most reliable —
And therefore the fittest for renunciation.

...

It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence —
Or even development:
the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial
notions of evolution,
Which becomes,
in the popular mind,
a means of disowning the past.
The moments of happiness —
not the sense of well-being,
Fruition,
fulfilment,
security
or affection,
Or even a very good dinner,
but the sudden illumination —
We had the experience
but missed the meaning,
And approach to the meaning restores the experience
In a different form,
beyond any meaning
We can assign to happiness.

T.S. Eliot - Four Quartets
3: The Dry Salvages

katherine. said...

there are times in my life when I try to be an absolute hermit...and times when I hate being by myself...

you are not alone

{{{{{J}}}}}