the learning curves


despite the quantities of drugs I'm on, I still experience utterly despairing lows
.
the CitC people call it a "rollercoaster" (which only reminds me of The Five People You Meet In Heaven) but it doesn't feel like that
..
.
I don't experience "highs", I just have small moments where I can cope and I can smile and I can laugh and I forget myself and things seem virtually normal for a moment or two; what are not "highs", are just the normal everyday ground level, but the "lows" are subterranian - imagine a rollercoaster the top of which is only just peaking out by your feet, then look down down down into the deep dark chasm where I find myself.being taken thru no choice of my own
:-(
.
it's not fun: it doesn't feel like a pleasure ride; with whooping and screaming and bends and twists and excitement - altho I do have that feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach and that dreadful lurching that makes you feel like you need to vomit. . .
.
. . .copiously
.
.
and I'm the only one on the ride
.
.
I'm petrified
.
it is very confusing

6 comments:

Dave said...

I'm having mood swings at the moment, but nothing as serious as yours. Sympathy.

Mel said...

Good Tuesday morning to you, ma'am.

Can I just say that looking at the photos was enough to make me wanna throw up?!
<--does not do upsidedown--can do up and down though!


There's no doubt for me that it's a petrifying moment in life for you.....and oh, how I wish there were things to do to make it less so.

(((((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))))

mig bardsley said...

The small moments are precious. I think they are what get most depressed people through these roller coaster times.
So hold on to them tight.
(Holding on tight works on those vile upside down and round and round machines and it works with life as well).

Lots of love.
(((((((((((((( I ))))))))))))
xxx

'Shot said...

((((((((((( I ))))))))))))

Sometimes there's nothing to say, I hope hugs are a fair substitue.

Gordie said...

A roller is a big posh chauffeur driven car, and a coaster is a little mat that you put under a drink. I hope that CITC supply you with both :-)

katherine. said...

just keep the safely bar locked....it'll get better...

{{{{{ILTV}}}}}