as flat as a proverbial

.
and no, I'm not referring to my breasts. . .
.
(but while we're on the subject, perhaps we'll contemplate it for a while. . .)
.
.
( . . .and I feel perfectly comfortable doing that because since Saturday evening I have been accompanied to the loo and bathroom everytime nature has called or I've needed a wash and brush up)
.
(I had told them I pushed the blades down the plughole) (which I had done, seeing as at the time I didn't think I'd be using the bathroom again and didn't want anyone else to get hurt by mistake) (but seeing as how I wasn't supposed to have blades in the first place you can hardly blame them for wanting to make sure I don't find some other way to do something that they don't want me to do)
..
(the only reason I had a blade in the first place was cos I'd asked XCH if he could bring me a lady-shave as my underarms were looking slightly like a bush [and I knew I wasn't allowed a razor, which is why I'd asked for a lady-shave] but only being a bloke he didn't know the difference and so brought me a pink girly razor from home. . .)
.
(at the time my head was so screwed up by the non-dominant-unilateral-ECT I'd had on Friday [the bilateral procedure producing too many memory issues for TGD to be comfortable with] that I kind of thought it was providence) (of sorts) (obviously the fact they say I am seriously depressed must have played a part too, right? for me to want to pop the little blades out of the razor and slice up the inside of my arm and the back of my hand) (the back of my hand cut went straight into an artery and blood spurted right up and out of me and across the bathroom to the wall on the other side) (just like it does in the films) (the inside of my arm slicing proved more difficult, I only managed to get to a few veins, and my veins are crap and just pack up at the slightest interference anyhow, as many a phlebotomist has found over the years) (the thick white thing I thought was the artery that the silly little blade wouldn't cut thru, was a tendon, apparently) (I only studied Head & Neck and Chest Anatomy at Uni) where was I? oh, I know. . .
.
a body is only a body, we've all got them, there's nothing special about mine, and seeing as how it might have made its way into the ground by now, via a crematorium, I have no problem with someone joining me in the bathroom
.
but that wasn't what I was going to say
.
what I was going to say was that the dose of the new drug that they put me on at the weekend, which apparently is a "mood stabilizer", and which had actually vaguely enhanced (in a +ve manner) my mood by Monday, has been increased with the result that my mood has stabilized to a flatness equivalent to Table Mountain
..
(I did have a nice piccie of Table Mountain, only blogger's playing silly buggers tonight) (I also had a picture of a salt lake in Bolivia that's equally flat, but that wouldn't load that either) (so you're stuck with the Nazca Plains. . .)
.
.
I'll skip the more obvious comments about aliens and Erik Von Daniken and just apologise for the fact I'm probably coming across as a little bit grumpy and lacklustre and haven't really had the energy to visit you (yes you!) and say something amusing or interesting (she writes, hoping that that's what she normally does) but presumably at some stage in the not too distant future they'll get the meds right and I'll be back to my old self
.
or a new version of her
.
and in the meantime, just be pleased that you're not a member of the 24hour care staff who has to watch and be present at my every action - the food in here is gruesome
.
(and the management don't provide pegs for noses)

13 comments:

dinahmow said...

Blimey! I thought it was just me getting stuff "off my chest" on the blog (which you can now see at http://moreidlethoughts.wordpress.com/)
However, I've confined mine to art.
And for goodness sake don't damage your tendons! That's rather like cutting the brakelines on a Ferrari, you goose!
So pleased your new meds seem to be working.Everyone misses you out here in Blogland.

Anonymous said...

please please please
look after yourself

katherine. said...

my oh my! (that was for the photo)

{{{{{ILTV}}}}}

it was rather nice of you to make sure no one else would get hurt by the blades...but maybe next time you could make sure YOU don't get hurt either....okay?

your body is kinda special to all of us...with or without a bathroom escort...

no matter which version of you emerges it'll be most welcome.

Gordie said...

You must think you are a very special person, if you don't want anybody else to have access to those sharp, artery-slicing blades that seem to be such an important part of your life at the moment.

Don't you think we all deserve them, as much as you do? I mean, share and share alike? Or are you going to be selfish?

mig bardsley said...

Grumpy and lacklustre I wouldn't have said. Sparkling with suppressed fury maybe?
Well, keep the anger moving outwards away from yourself hey?
I'm glad the blade wasn't up to cutting through the tendons, you'll need them. When you're better.

Oh and my hair stands on end at the thought of the slicing bits. And you are so thoughtful and considerate!

Oh, hugs, for when ever you feel like them.
Sleep well dear I.

Mel said...

Yaknow, I don't blame them for wanting to make certain you're not doing anything they don't want you doing to yourself either...
But I look forward to the day (G-d willing that's soon) when YOU'RE not wanting to do those things to you.
You're a smart woman, a creative soul...a loving soul. Love yourself enough to get in your own way--respect YOU enough to make sure harm isn't done, not just to those 'stranger' others, but to you and the people who care about you and love you.

Now, ya know I'm made this way.....I'd be the empowering one, the one who knows it's already IN you to be AS considerate to yourself as you were to others when you ditched the blades.
And I gotta point out that 'a body is just a body is just a body' just is not true.
Your body IS special....to a whole parcel of people. (even if you don't think it is) Having you in that body--ON this planet is important to us.

Sooooooo....True to my nature--I'll just keep loving you too much...until you're able to love you if even just a teensy bit.

Dangit. *kicking the soapbox*

(NOT my fault. I've taken the required medications and ought to be heading towards the bed to sleep this part of the deal away.
HOWEVER.....I won't cuz it's important to me that you know how IMPORTANT to me (and others) you are. Sleep be damned, I say.)

Flat, as you probably realize, isn't necessarily 'good'. Apathy generally is a piece that comes with it--which is a dangerous place for a clinically depressed person to mingle. Or, perhaps I'm reading it wrong? (I can hope!)

Wax on, wax off.
Tell the truth, all the time.
TGD will only be as 'good' as the truthful information you provide him with.

I love you to bits and beyond....too much, obviously. But not without reason, not without purpose...and not foolishly.


Dangit twice! *kicking the soapbox AGAIN*

First thing in the morning, last thing at night.....for however long...cuz your life matters to me.
Bunches.
Lotsa.
Oodles.

*HUGELY BIG hugs*
*considering shutting up now...LOL*

(please note that's a 'considering' and not a guarantee)

Mel said...

.....but i haffta tell ya (cuz I'm procrastinating).....our pancakes look NOTHING like that photo.

Just sayin'.......

((((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))))

Anonymous G said...

I wanted to say something about how you are ANYthing but flat*. About how incredibly unique and and interesting and lovable you are. You may feel grumpy and and lucklustre and I'm sorry you feel that way. But you aren't.

Mel said it all so beautifully. She loves you and KNOWS how LOVED you are.

I'm a new friend, and I'm already rather fond of you, dear girl.

Hugs and sweet dreams.

~Gayle

*and I'm not referring to your breasts, either. not that i would know. but still.........

Steg said...

*manfully resists temptation to make any kind of smart-arse remark at the expense of a lady's decolletage*

The food is gruesome? What kind of pizza would you like us to get sent in for you?

24 hours a day there's love for you streaming through your internet-dongle-thingy. And it's taking another effort of will not to lapse into "schoolboy humour" regarding the word "dongle" too. I'm sorry. Some guys never really grow up, you know.

Much love, many hugs. Look after yourself, please!

Dave said...

Do you mind not putting words like b*****t or rude pictures here - I have to read your blog from the library, and it's so embarrasing.

mig bardsley said...

Forgot to say, last night, your body is where 'you' live. So it's very special to me, to all of us who care about you. (And so my hair standing on end, not just that it hurts to know you were hurting yourself but also that you came so close to not being here any more. I'd much, much rather know what you were going through than not find you here at all).

Dearest friend, Love and hugs. Lots.
xxx

Mel said...

((((((((((( ILTV )))))))))))))

<--first thing in the morning arrival (without her soapbox, even!)

:-)

'Shot said...

(adds nose peg to the list)